I Believed I Was His Every Fantasy Come True ~ A Letter From A Wife

Tags

A Wife's Struggle, Body Image, Husband's Porn Usage, Porn, Pornography, Sex In Marriage, Sexual Integrity

An email received led to a night of tears and prayer for this couple.

Please know each one of these I post hurt me deeply as I know several of these women that send me emails explaining their hurt from their spouses porn usage…so therefore..I know their husband as well.

My first experience with pornography came when I was about seven years old. My brother and I found my dad’s “stash” hidden in a closet. As I grew up, I heard my mother and father fight a lot—often about porn. For my father, watching pornography led to physical cheating, which eventually led to the end of my parents’ marriage. It also broke my faith in men in general. I saw my father get to the point that preferred a fantasy to what he actually had.

I knew that my brothers also viewed porn regularly, and I grew to believe that it was just something guys did. I felt that most men did it, but I held out hope that I would find a man who would see me as enough for him. I found that man in my husband.

I married my best friend. A man I trusted with my heart and my body. I believed that I was his every fantasy come true. I was wrong.

The first time I caught him looking at porn I was pregnant for the first time. I’ll never forget that moment, when I accidentally clicked on the history button instead of bookmarks. I’ll never forget the anger. I’ll never forget the sick feeling in my gut. The hollowness that comes when the rug is pulled completely out from under you. I drove for hours, crying and debating about what to do. Finally, I confronted him. Crying.

Apologies. He knew he’d hurt me, and he was genuinely sorry. It took a little while, but I managed to put it behind me. We shouldered forward. I told myself that it was over and done. He wouldn’t do that to me again. Once again, I was wrong.

Pornography continues to be an issue in our marriage. How does it affect us? I do not trust the man I married. I can’t tell you how hard it is to give myself to someone that I know has been lusting after other women. Every time he asks for sex, I do it. But not because I want to. I do it because I’m afraid that if I don’t, he’ll go look at porn. Each time we have sex, I remember that I’m not the only one who turns him on. If he closes his eyes, I wonder if he’s pretending I’m someone else. When he tries a new “move” or position, I wonder where he learned it. Every aspect of our sex life is tainted.

I find myself studying my reflection in the mirror. Instead of the body that carried and delivered our children, one that should be revered and cherished, I see only flaws. I find myself wondering if someone else might appreciate it more. I would never cheat, but I know that I’m vulnerable. If a man made me feel beautiful again, I know that I’d be tempted.

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Calendar Marks Of Clean Days & Bad Days

Tags

Calendar, Counting The Days, Masturbation, Porn, Pornography, Prayer, Sex, Sexual Integrity, Walk In Freedom

Man, something hit me hard this morning. Out of the freaking blue, a vision of a calendar pops into my head. Not just any calendar mind you. It was one I kept while I was in school…way back in high school one year.

This vision made me teary eyed. I’m sure it was the enemy trying to stick another knife in my heart…but it was just so random. So I go and ask God why this and why now. But before I share what he showed me, allow me to share with you…my calender…

Like I said… it’s not just any calendar. This one was not hanging on my wall. It was hidden so my mom wouldn’t ask any questions about it.

You see this calendar had little boxes, that I made, on the bottom row of each day. And each box would either be blank or it might have a S or a M in it. If you use your imagination you can probably guess what I’m about to say.

So yeah…the S stood for sex and the M stood for masturbation…

Good grief, I’m really putting myself out there right now and how messed up I was as a teen.

That calendar was a place of selfishness and pride. A place I put how many times I had sex or masturbated every day for a year. I don’t remember how many of each were there but I do know there were many days where there were multiple S and M letters.

Oh God forgive me, was the first thing out of my mouth after saying where the freak did that come from. Another one of those things I either had forgotten about or blocked.

Now, here is what God told me after I asked why this and why now.

Calendars are a good thing in and of themselves, as they allow us to keep track of appointments, birthdays, meetings and such. But they can be both bad and good in certain scenarios. One scenario in particular is what was brought to me.

I know many men, not sure on the woman side of this, who use a calendar to keep track of how many days they have not watched porn or masturbated.

This can be a good thing if their heart is in the right place. And I know several men who have successfully navigated this area not with pride but humbleness and prayer. But it could be a bad thing if they look at that calendar with an attitude of look what I have done. I can say that from experience because that was me while trying to stop on my own.

It can be a great way of keeping track of how God IS working in your life towards freeing you if there are more marks of whatever you use to show the no porn or no mastubation for that week, month, or year.

But it could, at the same time, be a source of self condemnation if there are more marks of porn usage or masturbation than days of celibacy. That ole saying the devil uses of “See I told you that you couldn’t do it”, can wreak havoc on recovery to the point of actually giving up and giving in.

My freedom came when I stopped keeping track. Yeah, I fell. Sadly, many times. But I kept going. And I’m still going…one day at a time.

Stay focused on your relationship with God. Read your Bible. Pray. Talk with you accountability partner.

If you do use a calendar don’t let doubt and condemnation cloud your mind if you have to out that “bad” mark down. Instead, be thankful and praise God that He did leave you where you were, that you have been redeemed, and that He loves you.

Whatever method you use… DON’T give up…there is freedom!

 

From A Porn Scene Mentality To Intimacy With Your Wife

Tags

Body massage, Husband, Intimacy, Orgasm, Passion, Pleasure, Pornography, Sex In Marriage, Sexual Integrity, Wife, Your wife's pleasure matters

This is something that has been on my heart for a while now guys and honestly, I may lose some followers after this post or I may gain a few.

I have been a recovering porn addict for almost six years now and through my various ministries on social media have had many wives reach out to me with questions. Many of them have shared their pain, their hurt and their stories with me.

I knew what viewing porn did to me spiritually, physically and mentally but my wife at the time never opened up to me as to what it did to her. She never shared with me the hurt and pain till much later. And hearing these stories from wives tears me up I tell you.

For a while I thought I was the only one hearing these stories because when I started blogging not too many others were truly speaking out against pornography per se.

It’s cool that now more bloggers are speaking out against porn. Many of these bloggers are ones that I personally follow, so of course I will read their post. Sometimes I read the comments and sometimes I don’t depending on the topic. (Sorry guys, just being honest.)

The reason I do read the comments is to see what others think and at times I want to comment but don’t because, if you have followed me at all, I’m honest with my words but I don’t think them through sometimes. By that I mean, though being honest and up front with my comment I could hurt someone inadvertently. And I don’t want to do that.

And it’s because I can actually hear the pain in their comment and it just breaks my heart, whether it be male or female comments. So instead of commenting I pray for them.

When I do comment it’s usually to say what an awesome post it is and thank them for sharing their thoughts.

So with all that said, allow me to ask a few questions….

When does the porn scene start?

Does it begin when she gets naked? Or does it really begin when the actual act of penetration begins?

When does the porn scene end?

Come on guys, be real, and admit it ends when the guy or guys have an orgasm.

Let me interject that, for me, they started when she took her clothes off and yes it ended when the man/men had orgasm.

Here in lies the problem of ONE of my hurts when it comes to reading comments. Some, not all, men who struggle with porn have a very hard time realizing that their spouse is not getting the full enjoyment from sex. Some are in such a rush to get to intercourse and the end result that they are, without realizing it, taking advantage of their wife. That may seem harsh but allow me to explain.

Your wife, the one woman you chose above all others, is a sexual being just like you. She deserves to feel as much pleasure out of making love as you, if not more. The reason I say more is because there is this amazing thing about women…they can have multiple orgasms in a row if we take the time to get her to that point.

And you can not get her to that point if you are thinking that making love to her is like a porn scene. You will not know what gets her to that point either if you don’t get to know what triggers her to get excited. Seeing you naked will not get her there. And, for most women, feeling you inside her will not get her there either. Plus, she wants to feel like she is actually involved in the act and not just laying there for you to get off.

Guys, let’s forget EVERYTHING porn has taught us!!

Take the time to actually get to know every inch of your spouses body. Touch every part and kiss every part…all the while with your eyes open to see her reactions. If she twitches or moans remember that spot and come back to it. Take your time.

Give her a full body massage with some flavored lotion and then follow it up with kisses.

There is more to your wife’s vagina than just her clitoris too. I know that is her main sensation spot but there is so much more to explore…so explore. Give her attention down there. Use your hands, your fingers, your tongue, and your mouth during foreplay.

Make love to her! Kiss her! Hold her the whole time. Let her know how much you love her by pleasing her to the max. Does she not deserve it? After all, she is your treasure from the Lord.

Her pleasure is just as important as yours. She craves your touch and affection. Give it freely.

Be her husband and lover. Let your scene begin when you touch each other and end when you both collapse after the most intimate, sensual, loving, pleasurable experience for the both of you.

 

Your Spouse Needs An Outlet To Heal

Tags

Addiction, Honesty, Loss of Trust, Love, Pornography, Resentment, Sexual Integrity, Walk In Freedom

Dear addict,

I understand wanting to keep the “secret” within the confounds of your marriage. You don’t want anyone to know about it..I get it.

But, please do not put that stress on your spouse. It will slowly destroy them, possibly your marriage and your relationship with your children if you have any.

The pain and loss of trust is too much to hold in and not reap resentment, which leads to more pain and more loss of trust. Your spouse needs an outlet…a trustworthy friend to share this with, in order to truly heal.

And honestly, and I believe you will agree, if you are an addict; your addiction to whatever is unmanageable, you really do care about the pain your spouse feels but you just don’t understand it.

Express what you are going through openly and honestly with your spouse. Yes, this will hurt. But, this will help rebuild some of the trust you have lost.

Let them know you want to stop and do whatever it takes to recover that trust you have lost, to heal the pain you have inflicted through your addiction and your actions.

Allow them to heal by not only expressing their feelings with you but also with someone else or a close group of friends. Someone you both trust, someone who will pray with your spouse, pray for both of you to heal and pray for your recovery.

Love in Christ,

Stu

The Father’s Beloved: A Story Of Redemption

Tags

Addiction, Celebrate Recovery, Freedom, God, Higher Power, Homosexuality, Jesus, Self-Esteem, Sexual Integrity, Struggles, Walk of Faith

This story struck a cord with me. As many of you know I dealt with being bisexual for years.

I can attest as to how difficult it is dealing with the mixed emotions growing up while being attracted to the same sex.

I praise God for what He has done, what He is doing and what He will continue to do in in my brothers life and heart.

For those struggling with this type is issue I hope this reaches your heart.

God Bless,

Stu

Hello, I am a believer in Jesus who is in recovery for drugs, alcohol, and sexual integrity; my name is Mike.

I grew up in a home where Jesus Christ was not Lord, but a swear word, and the concept of God’s grace was unknown to me. When I did entertain thoughts about a Higher Power, the God in my mind was a stern taskmaster who constantly evaluated my performance and held me to a standard of perfection I could never attain. I grew into a child with a keen sense of shame and an inexpressible understanding that something was wrong with me. At that age I couldn’t tell you what that thing was, but I knew that I was different from everyone around me.

We were a military family and never really had a place to call our own, and by the time I was 10 years old we had moved 10 different times. Our moves were always stressful affairs, and at the end of it all I was constantly adjusting to a new house, a new school, and a new set of neighbors. This lifestyle was difficult for me as I was very shy and did not make friends easily. When I experienced several episodes of inappropriate sexual contact I retreated into a place of fear, guilt and shame; this resulted in me becoming an easy target for neighborhood bullies.

During the years when I was supposed to be bonding with boys my own age I was intent on doing the opposite and would avoid other children by retreating into my bedroom to read library books and do homework. When I learned that good report cards drew praise from parents and teachers I put most of my energy into becoming a good student. The lyrics from a popular song describes this behavior quite well: “Perfection became my enemy”.

As we moved yet again, to a new military base in the Hawaiian Islands, I started high school and realized that I was at a new disadvantage: not only was I was a military brat but I was also an outsider. There was even a Hawaiian word for me – haole. Imagine my surprise when I was warned to not go to school on “Kill Haole Day”. I don’t remember how my brain reasoned it out, but in an attempt at self-preservation I joined a group of students known as the “stoners”. My substance abuse started with marijuana and progressed to barbiturates, amphetamines, and psychedelics. No drug was off limits for me as I sought out the comradery of students who would recognize me at school and call me by name. As I skipped school and partied, I was learning to hide my fears and insecurities by pretending to be someone else. I was putting up walls around my emotions and I worked hard so that no one would ever know who I really was.

At the end of my senior year, I found Jesus in the simplest way. Take a seeking heart with a believing next-door neighbor and you have the foundation for a daily drug user to receive Jesus as Savior. God led me away from destructive influences and towards a church that gave me a solid foundation in the Word. But my walk with Christ lasted only a year or so. It was interrupted by the same hurts that surfaced in my childhood, precipitated by the breakup of a dating relationship. Old feelings of unworthiness and rejection resurfaced, and I didn’t know how to handle them. Like a “dog returning to his own vomit,” one backward step led to another and it wasn’t long before I was back in the rebellious lifestyle I had been called out of, only now I was angry at the church and at God. I felt worse off than before I became a Christian, much like the man with unclean spirits whom Jesus describes in Luke 11.

My descent into darkness had only just begun.

During my freshman year in college I added sexual promiscuity to my list of available medications and spent the next ten years living out the anthem of the 80’s: sex, drugs, and rock & roll. During these years, I had my first consensual same-sex encounter, and with the help of “friends” reasoned that I must be bisexual. The decision to take on that identity gave me a green light to explore my sexuality and eventually self-identify as exclusively gay. As I aged out of the gay club scene, I started a same-sex relationship that would last for twenty years. I joined the culture around me and proudly came out to co-workers, friends and family.

The seeds which God planted inside of me as a youth did not sprout for decades, but they did grow, and a longing for God eventually overcame my aversion to Christianity. Repentance for me was not an event I could point to on the calendar, but a process, and it started with me listening to Christian radio. As I listened I was overwhelmed by the message of God’s love and acceptance. I later subscribed to a podcast to read the Bible in a year, and I fell in love with Jesus all over again. As I began filling my heart with God’s message, however, a storm brewed within me. What was I to do about my identity as a gay man, or my relationship to the man I had married? These questions became the lever that God used to push me into the great church debate about what God and the Bible say about homosexuality.

I had been living an openly gay lifestyle for decades and was comfortable with my identity as a gay man. In my mind, homosexuality was a genetic trait and the idea of me being different didn’t even seem possible. What else could account for those feelings from my childhood of “not being like other boys”? This thinking led me to embrace alternative interpretations of the Old and New Testament passages that address homosexuality.

I reasoned that God would not condemn any committed, loving relationship, even same-sex relationships, and so for a while I believed that my sexuality didn’t matter to God.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 (NLT)

Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.

As I grew in my faith, my conviction that God would bless committed same-sex relationships faltered. I was no longer certain that sexual relations were permissible outside of a traditional marriage, and these doubts brought about a crisis of conscience with my partner. I was casually sharing my faith with him when he asked me point blank, “What do you believe about the Bible and homosexuality?” That was my moment of reckoning. I answered him by saying that I believed I was born gay, and a Christian, but that God was calling me to live a celibate life. Soon afterwards, he moved into another room of our house and we became housemates. I pretended to be happy with this arrangement, still believing we were in a committed relationship, but I was blinded to the fact that that our lives were moving in different directions. I may have been in denial about the state of our relationship, but my partner knew exactly what he wanted and he eventually took control by ending our relationship, moving out of our house, and leaving me alone for the first time in 20 years.

My use of drugs & alcohol increased as I tried to cover up feelings of abandonment, rejection, and shame. I became consumed with suicidal thoughts, but I told no one about this life changing event for almost three months, preferring instead to suffer alone and in silence with my best friends, the bottle and the bong.

I now realize that my reaction to this breakup is exactly like the episode I experienced as a teenager. I wasn’t any more emotionally mature than I was at 19, and just as before, my coping mechanisms were to medicate with chemicals and check out of reality. I didn’t realize that God was calling me to something new and He was using difficult circumstances to bring me to the end of my rebellious lifestyle.

I heard about Celebrate Recovery from the church I was attending and decided I needed to check it out, but during that first meeting I decided that CR wasn’t for me. The ministry leader kept talking about facing my hurts and stepping out of denial. I wasn’t in denial, I thought, I knew exactly what my problem was: I was a gay Christian whose 20 year marriage had tanked. As I left CR that first night I told the leader that I didn’t belong in his group, but he encouraged me to come back the following week to give it another try. I was unconvinced that CR could help me, but I was hungry for relationship, so I came back the next week, and the week after that. I soon started a weekly CR habit that turned into a Bible Study that the leader called a “step study”. I really was clueless, and did not know what was in store for me!

I remember one day making it clear that I thought it was “OK” to drink a glass wine with dinner. The unspoken truth was that I was drinking not a glass of wine with dinner, but a whole bottle, and sometimes two, and I was smoking dope every day. The reality was that as soon as Celebrate Recovery night was over I could not wait to get home so that I could get high. How do YOU spell DENIAL?

As the Step Study progressed I learned that I had to choose an “accountability partner”, but I didn’t want to be accountable to anyone. Nobody at CR knew about my past and I wanted to keep it that way. I put off the deed as long as possible and promised to pray about it. I looked at my fellow step-studiers and ranked them in order of preference. God was laughing at my choices because he wound up choosing the guy at the very bottom of my list. He was a womanizer, a felon, and a former alcoholic. What could we possibly have in common?!

After months of secrecy it came time to write out my moral inventory, and this became one of the most difficult parts of the recovery process. It was difficult because I had a lifetime of hangups bottled up inside of me, hurts that were hidden under a haze of drugs and alcohol, and I was still in denial about my substance abuse. Before this time I never had a reason to examine those hurts, so putting them down on paper was a long and painful process. If it hadn’t been for the encouragement I received from my accountability team I would have walked away from the program during that time.

Taking an honest inventory of my life was painful, but real healing started when I confessed to myself, to God and to my sponsor about the train wreck that my life had become. Instead of being labeled an abomination like so many in the church had done, my sponsor made sure I knew that in Christ I was fully accepted by God and that He had adopted me into His family. After coming clean with my sponsor I was finally able to receive the message in Isaiah 1:18:

“Come, let’s talk this over, says the Lord; no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool!

Working through the Christian 12-steps has helped me take responsibility for my sinful past and recognize the behavioral patterns that led me to disobey what I knew was God’s will for my life. I’ve stopped playing God in my life and have turned my life and will over to the care of Jesus. Am I healed from those childhood hurts today? Not completely, but I know that with Jesus I can overcome them one day at a time. Today, because of Jesus, I am drug and alcohol free and I also serve at CR, helping others find the same freedom in Christ.

It wasn’t long after sharing my inventory that I went on a spiritual retreat with the express purpose of turning over my failed relationship to God. That weekend I received a text message from a CR friend that changed my world. It simply read: “You’re a believer in Jesus Christ, God’s child, filled with His Holy Spirit, born again…I don’t think there’s any room left for the word gay”. That weekend I was prepared to surrender an old relationship, but after receiving that message I was convinced that God wanted me to surrender something bigger: my gay identity.

That powerful weekend was the start of my journey out of sexual brokenness and into my true identity as a child of God in Christ. I no longer identify myself as a gay Christian; each day I am more convinced that my identity is not based on who I’ve slept with but on who God says I am. Today, because of Jesus, I proudly proclaim that I am the Father’s beloved son. And not only that, I know that just like Jesus, I am well pleasing to Him!

If there are any newcomers or skeptics hearing my voice today I would like to encourage you to consider attending a Celebrate Recovery Step Study to help you find your identity in Christ and freedom from your own hurts and hang-ups. The program works, IF YOU WORK IT.

For obvious reasons, my favorite bible story is found in Luke 15, it is the parable of the prodigal son. You all know the story, a man has a son who decides the grass is greener in another pasture so he leaves his family in search of it. He takes his inheritance with him and while gone, wastes it all on wild living. When he is broken, hungry and thirsty, he comes to his senses and realizes how much better he had it back in his father’s house. He heads back home expecting to be treated like a hired servant. Listen to the Father’s heart:

While he was still far away, his father saw him and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him affectionately. …the father told his servants, ‘Hurry! Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let’s eat and celebrate! Because my son was dead and has come back to life. He was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate.

I believe this is God’s heart for you and for me. Thank you for letting me share it with you