I’m not perfect and have never claimed to be even remotely close. I fall daily. In some form or another I let people down, I slack on my calling, I question my self worth, I curse when I get mad and the list just keeps going and going and going.
Here lately I have been in this state of I don’t give a crap anymore and I can’t give up.
Trying to live on a single income is so hard when you have two children that require more and more as they grow older. The other day I broke down in front of my daughter as my card was declined for something she wanted. She didn’t need it mind you…it was just something she had been wanting for months. The disappointed look on her face just broke me as a dad.
I’m supposed to be the one who supplies their needs and some of their wants! And I can’t…not making what I make and bills. It sucks the life out of me sometimes and I just sink into depression and the thought of I’m not good enough.
With that said allow me to share with you what I said to dear friend of mine today as she has been trying to lift my spirits and help me realize a few things. Here is what I said…
“Even in Christ, I have a hard time understanding my value. I know I am wonderfully made and that God loves me enough to send his Son to do die for all my crap but I just can’t seem to crab onto my value….damn it.”
Sadly, as I was typing that I was getting teary eyed as I came to realize that that statement speaks volumes as to where I am at right now.
Why do our brains and our hearts fight so hard against one another?
One one hand my heart is telling me my worth and value in God’s eyes and as a person and on the other hand my brain is constantly bringing up things I have done that makes it hard to accept my value…I guess.
On one hand my heart wants to have a woman in my life again to share things with, to hold hands with and walk this journey with me and on the other my mind is telling me that I will just hurt her. Or that because you loved your last girlfriend so deeply that it is unfair to the next woman because you can’t ever love like that again. I know God’s design is that man not be alone. And I don’t want to be alone in this journey anymore but my fears hold me at bay.
On one hand my brain is telling me I need a job that pays more or I need a second job. And on the other my heart is telling me that to do so would hinder my time spent with my kids. You can’t guide and nurture them if you’re not there for them. But they need new clothes, shoes, school stuff, etc.
On one hand my heart is telling me to continue being there for the men and women who struggle with porn, because it is my calling, and on the other my mind keeps bringing back visions of things seen that I wish I had never seen when they share their struggles with me. I try so hard not to dwell on them but sometimes it’s just plain difficult.
I feel like me life is not a battlefield but rather a mine field where one wrong step blows me to smithereens.
You would think, by now, I would be use to the struggle called life. For I know my mind (the flesh) will always battle my heart (the soul). I just get so tired. And more often than not I allow it to weigh me down.
You may not be going through the same struggles I do but I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we all have them. We ALL struggle and we ALL get tired at times…but we must press on and not lose hope…
We must, somehow, grasp the concept that our value in the eyes of God is not tied to our actions or thoughts but rather only by His love.
We should, somehow, come to realize that our value we see in ourselves is NOT a reflection of our past mistakes or what others see in us, what they say about us, how they act around us but rather how we fall at times and get back up and keep pressing on.
I’m not perfect, but I am NOT a failure and I have value!
The same is true of you my friends.