I Believed I Was His Every Fantasy Come True ~ A Letter From A Wife

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A Wife's Struggle, Body Image, Husband's Porn Usage, Porn, Pornography, Sex In Marriage, Sexual Integrity

An email received led to a night of tears and prayer for this couple.

Please know each one of these I post hurt me deeply as I know several of these women that send me emails explaining their hurt from their spouses porn usage…so therefore..I know their husband as well.

My first experience with pornography came when I was about seven years old. My brother and I found my dad’s “stash” hidden in a closet. As I grew up, I heard my mother and father fight a lot—often about porn. For my father, watching pornography led to physical cheating, which eventually led to the end of my parents’ marriage. It also broke my faith in men in general. I saw my father get to the point that preferred a fantasy to what he actually had.

I knew that my brothers also viewed porn regularly, and I grew to believe that it was just something guys did. I felt that most men did it, but I held out hope that I would find a man who would see me as enough for him. I found that man in my husband.

I married my best friend. A man I trusted with my heart and my body. I believed that I was his every fantasy come true. I was wrong.

The first time I caught him looking at porn I was pregnant for the first time. I’ll never forget that moment, when I accidentally clicked on the history button instead of bookmarks. I’ll never forget the anger. I’ll never forget the sick feeling in my gut. The hollowness that comes when the rug is pulled completely out from under you. I drove for hours, crying and debating about what to do. Finally, I confronted him. Crying.

Apologies. He knew he’d hurt me, and he was genuinely sorry. It took a little while, but I managed to put it behind me. We shouldered forward. I told myself that it was over and done. He wouldn’t do that to me again. Once again, I was wrong.

Pornography continues to be an issue in our marriage. How does it affect us? I do not trust the man I married. I can’t tell you how hard it is to give myself to someone that I know has been lusting after other women. Every time he asks for sex, I do it. But not because I want to. I do it because I’m afraid that if I don’t, he’ll go look at porn. Each time we have sex, I remember that I’m not the only one who turns him on. If he closes his eyes, I wonder if he’s pretending I’m someone else. When he tries a new “move” or position, I wonder where he learned it. Every aspect of our sex life is tainted.

I find myself studying my reflection in the mirror. Instead of the body that carried and delivered our children, one that should be revered and cherished, I see only flaws. I find myself wondering if someone else might appreciate it more. I would never cheat, but I know that I’m vulnerable. If a man made me feel beautiful again, I know that I’d be tempted.

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Calendar Marks Of Clean Days & Bad Days

Tags

Calendar, Counting The Days, Masturbation, Porn, Pornography, Prayer, Sex, Sexual Integrity, Walk In Freedom

Man, something hit me hard this morning. Out of the freaking blue, a vision of a calendar pops into my head. Not just any calendar mind you. It was one I kept while I was in school…way back in high school one year.

This vision made me teary eyed. I’m sure it was the enemy trying to stick another knife in my heart…but it was just so random. So I go and ask God why this and why now. But before I share what he showed me, allow me to share with you…my calender…

Like I said… it’s not just any calendar. This one was not hanging on my wall. It was hidden so my mom wouldn’t ask any questions about it.

You see this calendar had little boxes, that I made, on the bottom row of each day. And each box would either be blank or it might have a S or a M in it. If you use your imagination you can probably guess what I’m about to say.

So yeah…the S stood for sex and the M stood for masturbation…

Good grief, I’m really putting myself out there right now and how messed up I was as a teen.

That calendar was a place of selfishness and pride. A place I put how many times I had sex or masturbated every day for a year. I don’t remember how many of each were there but I do know there were many days where there were multiple S and M letters.

Oh God forgive me, was the first thing out of my mouth after saying where the freak did that come from. Another one of those things I either had forgotten about or blocked.

Now, here is what God told me after I asked why this and why now.

Calendars are a good thing in and of themselves, as they allow us to keep track of appointments, birthdays, meetings and such. But they can be both bad and good in certain scenarios. One scenario in particular is what was brought to me.

I know many men, not sure on the woman side of this, who use a calendar to keep track of how many days they have not watched porn or masturbated.

This can be a good thing if their heart is in the right place. And I know several men who have successfully navigated this area not with pride but humbleness and prayer. But it could be a bad thing if they look at that calendar with an attitude of look what I have done. I can say that from experience because that was me while trying to stop on my own.

It can be a great way of keeping track of how God IS working in your life towards freeing you if there are more marks of whatever you use to show the no porn or no mastubation for that week, month, or year.

But it could, at the same time, be a source of self condemnation if there are more marks of porn usage or masturbation than days of celibacy. That ole saying the devil uses of “See I told you that you couldn’t do it”, can wreak havoc on recovery to the point of actually giving up and giving in.

My freedom came when I stopped keeping track. Yeah, I fell. Sadly, many times. But I kept going. And I’m still going…one day at a time.

Stay focused on your relationship with God. Read your Bible. Pray. Talk with you accountability partner.

If you do use a calendar don’t let doubt and condemnation cloud your mind if you have to out that “bad” mark down. Instead, be thankful and praise God that He did leave you where you were, that you have been redeemed, and that He loves you.

Whatever method you use… DON’T give up…there is freedom!

 

From A Porn Scene Mentality To Intimacy With Your Wife

Tags

Body massage, Husband, Intimacy, Orgasm, Passion, Pleasure, Pornography, Sex In Marriage, Sexual Integrity, Wife, Your wife's pleasure matters

This is something that has been on my heart for a while now guys and honestly, I may lose some followers after this post or I may gain a few.

I have been a recovering porn addict for almost six years now and through my various ministries on social media have had many wives reach out to me with questions. Many of them have shared their pain, their hurt and their stories with me.

I knew what viewing porn did to me spiritually, physically and mentally but my wife at the time never opened up to me as to what it did to her. She never shared with me the hurt and pain till much later. And hearing these stories from wives tears me up I tell you.

For a while I thought I was the only one hearing these stories because when I started blogging not too many others were truly speaking out against pornography per se.

It’s cool that now more bloggers are speaking out against porn. Many of these bloggers are ones that I personally follow, so of course I will read their post. Sometimes I read the comments and sometimes I don’t depending on the topic. (Sorry guys, just being honest.)

The reason I do read the comments is to see what others think and at times I want to comment but don’t because, if you have followed me at all, I’m honest with my words but I don’t think them through sometimes. By that I mean, though being honest and up front with my comment I could hurt someone inadvertently. And I don’t want to do that.

And it’s because I can actually hear the pain in their comment and it just breaks my heart, whether it be male or female comments. So instead of commenting I pray for them.

When I do comment it’s usually to say what an awesome post it is and thank them for sharing their thoughts.

So with all that said, allow me to ask a few questions….

When does the porn scene start?

Does it begin when she gets naked? Or does it really begin when the actual act of penetration begins?

When does the porn scene end?

Come on guys, be real, and admit it ends when the guy or guys have an orgasm.

Let me interject that, for me, they started when she took her clothes off and yes it ended when the man/men had orgasm.

Here in lies the problem of ONE of my hurts when it comes to reading comments. Some, not all, men who struggle with porn have a very hard time realizing that their spouse is not getting the full enjoyment from sex. Some are in such a rush to get to intercourse and the end result that they are, without realizing it, taking advantage of their wife. That may seem harsh but allow me to explain.

Your wife, the one woman you chose above all others, is a sexual being just like you. She deserves to feel as much pleasure out of making love as you, if not more. The reason I say more is because there is this amazing thing about women…they can have multiple orgasms in a row if we take the time to get her to that point.

And you can not get her to that point if you are thinking that making love to her is like a porn scene. You will not know what gets her to that point either if you don’t get to know what triggers her to get excited. Seeing you naked will not get her there. And, for most women, feeling you inside her will not get her there either. Plus, she wants to feel like she is actually involved in the act and not just laying there for you to get off.

Guys, let’s forget EVERYTHING porn has taught us!!

Take the time to actually get to know every inch of your spouses body. Touch every part and kiss every part…all the while with your eyes open to see her reactions. If she twitches or moans remember that spot and come back to it. Take your time.

Give her a full body massage with some flavored lotion and then follow it up with kisses.

There is more to your wife’s vagina than just her clitoris too. I know that is her main sensation spot but there is so much more to explore…so explore. Give her attention down there. Use your hands, your fingers, your tongue, and your mouth during foreplay.

Make love to her! Kiss her! Hold her the whole time. Let her know how much you love her by pleasing her to the max. Does she not deserve it? After all, she is your treasure from the Lord.

Her pleasure is just as important as yours. She craves your touch and affection. Give it freely.

Be her husband and lover. Let your scene begin when you touch each other and end when you both collapse after the most intimate, sensual, loving, pleasurable experience for the both of you.

 

I Just Write What God Places On My Heart

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Blogs, Life, Marriage, Pornography, Recovery, Sex, Struggles, Testimony, Thoughts, Writing

I know I don’t have the most popular blog.

I don’t get many views or comments.

I do not use eloquent words when I write. I can, I just choose not too. I also know that I repeat myself several times over the course of writing.

What started off as a means of sharing with others my recovery from porn addiction and my mistakes at being a husband and father has turned into a blog of thoughts God places upon my heart.

I write about many different topics.

I share my daily struggle at times. I share my thoughts on sex, marriage, recovery and life.

I don’t want to talk about porn all the time because that is not who I am anymore. I still have a calling to help others get freedom their addiction/struggle. That will never go away. So I will still write about it.

I’m not a marriage blogger, per se, as you can tell from my posts. Yet, I have written some posts on marriage because I believe in God’s design for marriage and what it represents.

I have written about sex because…well…I love sex. I love the intimacy of it, the way it makes me feel and what it represents. It is so much more than just a quick release of tension or procreation.

I have written posts about my children and how I pray that they become what God created them to be and not what I want them to be, much less society.

I share testimonies from other men and woman. Why? Because they offer hope to anyone no matter the struggle!

I’m just me, I guess. Whatever God places on my heart for that day, moment or week is what I write about. I pray before I start writing and I pray before I post asking God to allow what I share to touch someone’s heart.

Occasionally I will get words of encouragement from readers and fellow bloggers. Sometimes people even like a post on my blog site or share it via social media to a friend. And for that I am thankful, honored and humbled.

Thank you, dear readers and friends for following along as I continue to write from my heart about God, marriage, struggles, recovery, life and yes…sex.

God Bless,
Stu

Be Watchful And Pray To Avoid Temptation

Tags

Depression, Integrity, Living Life On Life's Terms, Pornography, Prayer, Struggles, Temptation

The key, I have found out with my own recovery process, is being vigilant towards things that could be a temptation for me as well as praying when I am tempted.

I always have to be aware of my surroundings and that includes those that ARE around me. I see things a LOT differently than I did four or five years ago. I do not take those “double-takes” anymore because I know where my mind use to go when I did.

I am watchful of the things I watch on TV, as well as my phone and I have had to unfriend people on Facebook for the photos they were sharing. Just being watchful and diligent.

I also have to mindful of my words and how I react to others. I am normally a calm and quiet man but I do have a temper and if I let it loose I have no control over what comes out of my mouth.

And I must admit I was not so mindful the other day when I someone said something totally stupid. I kind of let them have it. Had to apologize later.

But…anyway…here is the one thing that has helped me the most.

Every night before bed I pray and ask the Lord to clear my mind of any unpure thoughts and allow me to go to sleep, because that was always the time when I was tempted to look at porn the most….when I was tired and couldn’t go to sleep. That, for me, was when my spirit was willing but my flesh wasn’t.

When depression sets in now I will turn on some music and pray, instead of resorting to my old habits.

Music is my therapy, as is writing here.

I do not know your struggles….maybe it is porn, anger, a sexless marriage, alcohol, drugs or over eating. But I do know, in order not to fall, you must be watchful and be mindful of who you allow in your circle and your surroundings. And for heaven’s sake pray when temptation comes.

Father,

May we be always aware of our surroundings. May we be careful about who we allow into our lives. Keep our hearts and minds pure. Give us the strength to be watchful, as it can be taxing. If we do fall and sin let us promptly ask for forgiveness. Keep us focused on working out our sanctification and break our hearts Father of what breaks yours.

Amen