This is a testimony from a dear sister in Christ. Names are not mentioned in here, as to not hurt family members.
I remember the first time I ever saw a playgirl/boy magazine. I was horrified.
You see, I was molested when I was around 9 years old by this guy my Aunt was dating. I felt dirty. Not only had I lived through my parents divorcing, and the feelings of being at fault, unwanted, unloved, unaccepted. Now, having this happen, I felt dirty.
Years passed, when I was 20 years old, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. 3 short months later, we married. I learned stuff after the vows, that had I known beforehand, I wouldn’t have married him. Anyways, he (my ex-husband) got me addicted to pornography.
Now, I’m not saying that it was all his fault. I could’ve said no, but, I didn’t. I figured that he’d love me more and that whatever problems we were having at the time would work out if our sex life were better.
What a lie!
For a lot of people, when viewing porn, they want to make it a reality. They want to act out what they see the people in the video doing. I’ve not told another soul about this except my husband now.
Most people won’t believe me but that’s okay. This led to him raping me one night. Rape can happen in a marriage. I told him NO. He proceeded. I didn’t go to the hospital or the cops and i won’t. I’ve chosen to just let it go and not press charges.
What’s done is done.
Anyways, we still watched, bought books. I was now an addict. It was as though I couldn’t get enough. This addiction carried on even after we seperated. I didn’t watch as much but I still watched.
During the marriage, I felt so insecure of myself. I felt that he desired them (other women) more than he did me. Which led me back to my parent’s divorce, how I felt then. I was looking for acceptance, love and stuff I couldn’t get from watching pornography. Instead of feeling loved, wanted and accepted, I was feeling shame, dirty, ugly and insecure.
Almost a year ago, God broke the chains of this addiction for me. When I’ve been tempted, I’ve put my mind on something else. I’ve been free from this hell and haven’t watched any in almost a year.
I thank God for allowing me to see who I am in Him and for redeeming and rescuing me from this addiction. This addiction is worse than any other addiction because there is no outside help such as Alcoholic Anonymous or any of those.
This has to be an inward change. It takes discipline and hard work to stay away from this. I thank God that He’s put people in my path that have pages and groups to help me stay focused and not be tempted to watch.
There is hope! You can be freed from this. If God can free me and break these chains from me; He certianly can for you as well