An email received led to a night of tears and prayer for this couple.
Please know each one of these I post hurt me deeply as I know several of these women that send me emails explaining their hurt from their spouses porn usage…so therefore..I know their husband as well.
My first experience with pornography came when I was about seven years old. My brother and I found my dad’s “stash” hidden in a closet. As I grew up, I heard my mother and father fight a lot—often about porn. For my father, watching pornography led to physical cheating, which eventually led to the end of my parents’ marriage. It also broke my faith in men in general. I saw my father get to the point that preferred a fantasy to what he actually had.
I knew that my brothers also viewed porn regularly, and I grew to believe that it was just something guys did. I felt that most men did it, but I held out hope that I would find a man who would see me as enough for him. I found that man in my husband.
I married my best friend. A man I trusted with my heart and my body. I believed that I was his every fantasy come true. I was wrong.
The first time I caught him looking at porn I was pregnant for the first time. I’ll never forget that moment, when I accidentally clicked on the history button instead of bookmarks. I’ll never forget the anger. I’ll never forget the sick feeling in my gut. The hollowness that comes when the rug is pulled completely out from under you. I drove for hours, crying and debating about what to do. Finally, I confronted him. Crying.
Apologies. He knew he’d hurt me, and he was genuinely sorry. It took a little while, but I managed to put it behind me. We shouldered forward. I told myself that it was over and done. He wouldn’t do that to me again. Once again, I was wrong.
Pornography continues to be an issue in our marriage. How does it affect us? I do not trust the man I married. I can’t tell you how hard it is to give myself to someone that I know has been lusting after other women. Every time he asks for sex, I do it. But not because I want to. I do it because I’m afraid that if I don’t, he’ll go look at porn. Each time we have sex, I remember that I’m not the only one who turns him on. If he closes his eyes, I wonder if he’s pretending I’m someone else. When he tries a new “move” or position, I wonder where he learned it. Every aspect of our sex life is tainted.
I find myself studying my reflection in the mirror. Instead of the body that carried and delivered our children, one that should be revered and cherished, I see only flaws. I find myself wondering if someone else might appreciate it more. I would never cheat, but I know that I’m vulnerable. If a man made me feel beautiful again, I know that I’d be tempted.