Man, I truly got my heart broken the other day. And it is not in any way you would probably think. Well….I don’t know…maybe it is what you think but not how and why. It was a woman, yes.
Here is the deal and IT IS A BIG DEAL. Guys if you are reading this please pay attention. Ladies you too please.
I am in a lot of things as far as media goes. I am here on WordPress, Twitter, Google, Tumbler, Pinterest, Godinterest, a discipleship/Bible Study group on the What’s Up app, an accountability group on KIK and I am on Facebook with five pages, three groups that I am the administrator/creator of and a host of groups that I have been asked to join as a prayer partner, mentor or just so I can help. (I know that was like the longest sentence ever) Also I just started another accountability group on the What’s Up app for porn addicts who want help in their recovery.
Well the other day I shared a post from a friend of mine on one of these support groups on Facebook. It was one about how a wife handled her husbands porn issue. It was a great post and maybe one day I will share it here or maybe I will wait until she does another one. But anyway someone commented on the post.
Well…me being me…I commented back. Then she commented back. Then it started. You know the ones..where IF you say what you want to say…someone will take it wrong and everything gets off kilter. I couldn’t take it. I had to ask. So I sent this young lady a personal message on Facebook asking her a couple of questions.
Come to find out this young lady has been hurt (devastated was the word she used) by pornography use. Not her own usage mind you but from her boyfriend’s usage. Seems he feels as if it is his “right” as a man.
I am going to stop right here for a sec and say a few things. First off, as Col. Potter would say, horse hockey! No, it is NOT a man’s right! Certainly not from a man who claims Christ in any shape or form. Secondly, that phrase is just a means of him justifying his addiction.
One of the other things she said was that when confronted about it he said it was no big deal….it’s not real and then get real irate over the fact that she confronted him with her concerns. This man is in such denial of his problem. How can it NOT be real? The woman is a real person despite the fact you are only watching an image of her on the screen. She was there in person with the camera filming her have sex. Her breasts are real. Her vagina is real. The man having sex with her is a real man not some imaginary figure so therefore his penis is real. Everything about that scene is real. Nothing fake about it…with the possible exception of her moans of joy and her orgasm.
She asked me why it felt like she was being cheated on if it is not real. I told her it was because of lost trust. She replied with a powerful statement….
Its secretive. Like cheating is.
I told her, of course, that it is real. And that it is cheating. I shared with her the verse in Matthew chapter 5 where Jesus said if you look upon a woman to lust after her you have committed adultery with her already in your heart.
We talked briefly about her lack of confidence. She shared with me the fact that she is beginning to hate herself. Her words were:
I hate myself.
I don’t think i am ugly.
But now I am starting to.
Then she sent me a selfie.WOW! Trust me when I say this…she is a very beautiful young woman. And I told her so. Then she responded…
not anymore. I am not good enough.
Those words are the ones that broke my heart.
Here is this very beautiful woman who is now beginning to hate herself and starting to think of herself as ugly. She is hurting. And rightfully so.
Here is a list of things going through some addicts mind as to why they justify their continued porn usage:
- It’s not real sex
- At least I am not having a real affair
- (If single) At least I can not get any diseases by masturbating to it
- My spouse does not do the things I want so I watch someone else do it so at least I can fantasize that I am getting it.
- It is not hurting anyone
There are others trust me…I know…but you get the point. The problem is this: they are all lies!
I’ve already explained how it is real and that in essence you are having an affair.
Yes, you are getting a disease just not a venereal one. This is more deadly. It affects your brain and how it functions.
Have you thought about asking your spouse to provide said desires in bed? If they say no..so be it. If they try and still do not like doing it..it sill does NOT give you the right to seek satisfaction sexually aside from your spouse. That includes fantasizing and masturbating selfishly because you are not getting what you desire. (Now if there are medical issues that cause your spouse to not be able to perform..I get that one) But still not to porn. Figure out another means.
IT IS hurting someone. It is hurting everyone you come in contact with. It hurts those you love and care about the most.
Porn Hurts Everyone
Pornography devastates marriage, relationships and friendships. It hurts our children. What if your daughter got on your phone or laptop and you forgot to clear your history? What would she see? Would she see that daddy loves women who do things most women wouldn’t think of trying. Would she think that in order to be loved she must do the same? (Some do..just saying) Sadly, daddy, the worst thing will be that you lose your daughters trust.
What about your son? Do you want him to have to go through the same struggles you have? I would hope not!
What about your wife/husband? Would they ever believe you again if you told them that you love them and that they are beautiful/handsome? Would they feel…well…not good enough anymore?
Dear husbands, please understand the silent hurt you are causing your spouse. Please know that she is hurting and afraid because you are in fact lusting after other women’s bodies. Please know that she feels that she is no longer good enough to be your lover. She feels betrayed. Please understand fully that you will lose her trust. And that trust, once lost is so ever hard to earn back. It can be done..but oh man.
Dear wives, please know that despite your husbands addiction you ARE beautiful!.Just because he looks at other women’s bodies does NOT mean you are ugly or not good enough anymore. It also does not mean he no longer loves you. I know that may be hard to take in considering your feelings. And I understand. I do. But I was once in his/her shoes…addicted.
I was that man. I loved my wife deeply. Still do. But I was the one not good enough. Here is why. Due to my porn usage I could not maintain an erection during foreplay. It was a mind thing. I could not concentrate. Porn does that. Trust me it was not that she was not good enough. She was an awesome lover. I loved to make love to her every chance I got. She was beautiful. I loved to just lay there and watch her sleep. But the porn rewired my God-given brain with a different one. It caused issues then and still does to this day. It causes issues within your husband as well.
Maybe that makes sense maybe it doesn’t. I have a tendency to ramble a lot. The point I am trying to make is this:
YOU ARE NOT BROKEN, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
Yeah, more than likely it was your outward appearance that got his attention in the first place. That’s the way God made us. His outward appearance is what got your attention too….go ahead..admit it. But it was your inward beauty that he fell in love with and it still is. He still loves you! He still finds you beautiful and attractive both with clothes and without. He just needs to have his mind rewired by God!
He needs to get accountability and devise a plan. Covenant Eyes is an excellent place to begin. They have tons of resources and a very reputable accountability program in place, which you can participate in if he chooses. But most importantly you pray for him and his desire to stop.
And you dear wife need to remember who you are. You ARE a daughter of The Most High, The Almighty, The Giver of Life itself and were created in His image. You are beautiful! You are His and He adores you with a much greater love than you husband ever can or will.
And you dear husband you will never find that joy you are looking for in porn. It’s not there! That high only last so long and then comes the guilt, the shame and the hiding. Why not give it up? Your wife wants to be the full focus of your sexual needs and desires.
Your struggle with porn does not define who you are. The shame and guilt do not define you either. Who you are in Christ is what defines you dear brother. You,just as your wife, were created in the image of God. Created for a purpose. A Holy purpose. One that DOES include your wife. It is time to repent and return to your first love.
It is time dear husband to take your handsome self and cherish your beautiful wife as God intended and not as the devil wants. It is time to reclaim what the enemy has been trying to destroy..you first..your marraige second.
How do I know this? Because I have been there. But you know what? God loves me too. I am no longer feeling broken or worthless due to my porn addiction. I am beautiful in His eyes even if in no other. And I have a purpose as well dear brother. To point you in the right direction…toward God.
Originally posted on February 23rd, 2015