Mirror Series VI

How did it get so bad? I spent the whole night crying and not sleeping!

How did it get so bad you ask? Well…let’s go back and allow me to explain a few things to you along the way.

So you feel it all began with the naked women and the playing cards, right?

Yes. That’s the first time I remember seeing a naked woman.

Naked woman correct. Naked girl no.

Naked girl? What are you talking about?

You don’t remember do you? Here let me open this box real quick.

I really don’t know if I’m ready for you to be opening any boxes especially of things I have forgotten.

But child in order to be free from your struggle with pornography and reclaim your wife we must.

Don’t worry I will be here to hold you just in case.

Alright, let’s say I saw her naked. How in the world does that have anything to do with what is going on right now.

Oh, it has everything to do with what is going on right now!

Are you ready?

I guess so. If this will help me break free then let’s do it. I really want to stop, but it feels like I can’t.

Alright, let us begin….

Whoa! That was an accidental look!How was I to know she wasn’t wearing panties?!?

There was no way for you to know. But that one accidental look caused a surge in your young brain that you were not meant to have.

What do you mean surge?

Let me put in terms that you may be able to understand. That surge was a mixture of emotions from wonder, curiosity, guilt and shame. It’s just that at that age you had no idea what those emotions were.

Well, I knew I wasn’t supposed to see it and that is why I turned away.

This is true. You did. But those emotions stayed and you thought about what you say later the night.

Then a few weeks later you saw two kids having sex on the playground behind your house.

I remember that. I didn’t really know what they were doing. They were naked and he was on top. I ran!

Yes you did. But what you saw stayed in your mind.

Then over the summer you and your family can here for a visit. It was here that you saw your first naked woman. Curiosity got the best of you and you looked through the whole deck.

Yeah…

Let’s move up a little bit so you can see why this has so much to do with what is going on right now.

K?

You overhear some boys at school talking about masturbating. So one night while taking you bath you decide to try it.

Oh boy do I remember that night. That was the weirdest feeling ever.

True, that weird feeling was not meant for you to have then. It was not how I designed things to be. That feeling you had was meant to be shared with your wife on your honeymoon when you consummated your marriage by having sex for the first time.

But you enjoyed that feeling and continued masturbating. Then you inadvertantly remembered the naked woman on the playing cards and masturbated with thoughts of them in your mind.

Later, that summer you ran across your dad’s Playboy and well let’s just say you got carried away.

I did get carried away. I kept sneaking back into my parents room to take a look at it.

Then when school started a friend asked me to come over and play some pool. But that is not all that happened.

He put in a video he had found in his dad’s closet. I knew I should not have been watching it. Something just told me to stop looking but i just stood there.

It was like a voice in my head saying leave but something held me in place.

That little voice you heard was me.

But how was that you? I didn’t even really know you then.

I have always been there. I was there when you were conceived. I watched you move in your mother’s womb.

I watched you being born. I watched as you gasped for your first breath.

I was in this shed when you found those cards. I kept telling you to stay out of here but you chose to listen to your cousins.

I was even in the bathroom when you masturbated for the first time.

Well that’s weird and gross.

Yes, but it comes with being who I Am. I see everything and I hear everything. I even know everyone’s thoughts.

That just makes me feel worse. Do you know some the…yeah I guess you do don’t you?

Yes, I do. You have had some outlandish thoughts which lead you down a very destructive path. One I did not ever intend for you go to down.

I think I know where you are going with this.

I think you are going to tell me that my thought process towards women is messed up because I see them as a means to…oh I don’t even want to say it.

You are correct. But there is more to it than just that. But we will continue this conversation later…your wife is crying…

To be continued…

This is an ongoing series until I can hash out the ending. I’m not even close yet.

in case you missed the previous posts from a couple of years ago please feel free to go back and check them out…

Mirror Series Part I

Mirror Series Part II

Mirror Series Part III

Mirror Series Part IV

Mirror Series Part V