This verse sort of hit a spot in my heart this morning.
You see when Jenn found out she was pregnant with Erin I said I would no longer drink alcohol. I didn’t want her to have a dad like I did.
But I still had my porn issue. Yes, it’s true what they say…marriage does not stop a porn addict from watching. It didn’t matter how much sex we had I still watched it. Heck, she even watched it with me.
The problem was not the sex in the marriage. The problem was my own heart.
Yes we were going to church…sort of. Not a lot but we went.
We prayed just not together as husband and wife for our marriage. We prayed when the urge hit and I’m sure both of us were selfish in our prayers.
Then shortly after Brandon was born our marriage started falling apart for various issues.
But it was at that time in my life, separated going into divorce that God grabbed me.
And when I mean grab I really mean hit me with a boulder and got my attention.
I started praying more. I was at church all the time. I read books on how to be a better dad, husband and person. Books like Point Man & Anchor Man by Steve Farrar. Powerful life changing books men! I can NOT recommend them enough! I also read The Power of a Praying Husband & yeah even The Power of a Praying Wife. Both are pretty accurate as to how each spouse would want the other spouse to pray for them. I cried reading the wife’s version.
And I quit porn. It was not an easy journey. I failed…a LOT.
But I did it. Have I looked at it over the years? Yes. But I never looked at it daily as I had done previously.
But when my kids would stay with me on the weekends for church they saw me pray every night. They’re prayers always brought me to tears. They would always pray that the Lord make me the best dad possible.
Then one night Brandon prayed that he wanted God to make him just like me when he grew up.
I cried hugging him close. But I told him that I didn’t want him to grow up to be like me. I wanted him to be better than me.
For him to better…
I didn’t want him to see his dad looking at porn. He was like my unofficial accountability partner. He could have my phone at any time and I didn’t have to rush to delete pictures or my history. There was nothing there that was bad for him to see.
There is no beer or alcohol in my house. No temptation there. If I do drink I am out with friends or the occasional Corona while out to eat with Angie. But one thing I learned after almost dying was to say when. I have one maybe two drinks and that IS it. Period!
Cursing was and is still an issue at times. Have you heard some of the things kids say now😮 They throw the f word around like we adults say hi.
But that language is everywhere as is sex and alcohol for our kids. We can not monitor everything, especially as a divorced parent. One will allow something and the other will not…ughhh.
But as I said I want Brandon to be better than me.
I want his faith in Jesus to shine so brightly!
I want his walk with Jesus to be so much stronger than mine ever has been or will be.
But in order for that to happen I must always…always follow Jesus the best THAT I can!
In order to learn what it means to talk up your cross and follow Jesus he must see me in action doing that exact thing.
And it’s not that I lost sight of that or anything. But this verse this morning was a great reminder for me to stay focused and to rekindle that flame that was lit years ago that some how I have let grow a little dimmer with the weight of things in my life.
I can’t let this life and it’s stupid temporary issues deter me from eternal issues. Especially guiding my children according to the Word of God and not society. Cuz guess what? Society is jacked the freak up!
Prayers as I refocus would greatly be appreciated. I am already at wit’s end at this stage Brandon is going through…even though I went through it as well. Let’s just say that social media has skewed his mind on a few things.