Sex: Myth #4 | Frequency Of Sex Isn’t Important.

Here is the devotional:

Gulp! This is a controversial myth to write about. If I write this myth one way, the more sex-driven spouse will cheer with adulation while texting this article to the less sex-driven spouse saying, “WAKE UP AND READ THIS!” While if I write this piece in another way, the less sex-driven spouse will sigh in relief and feel justified in saying “Nope” to sex even more often. Not to mention that this might inform your expectations for marriage if you’re single.

Regardless of whether you’re married or not, it’s always good to remember that your expectations for sex in marriage may differ from your spouse’s or future spouse’s, so it’s great to have a healthy view of how to honor and empathize with one another.

So, let’s let the Apostle Paul speak on this one. In 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, he said the act of sex is only between a man and his wife and neither should deprive the other unless by mutual consent. Husband and wife no longer solely “own” their own bodies, but each now belongs to the other.

At the same time, Paul also wrote in Ephesians 5:25 that men are to love their wives, just as Christ loves the Church. Christ gave up everything for the Church. He wasn’t demanding or selfish. He considered our need for a Savior even greater than His own life. So, husbands are called to an incredibly high standard. They’re called to lay down their lives for their wives.

Sex is a dance of mutual love and respect. The frequency of sexual intimacy that’s healthy will be different for each couple. Ask your spouse if they’re happy with your sexual frequency. If they say they’d actually like to have more sex or less sex, don’t just laugh it off. Consider how you can mutually satisfy and enjoy each other.

Brandon, LMFT-S, PCIT

Here are the scriptures referenced:

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:2‭-‬5 KJV


Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:25 KJV


Here are Stu’s thoughts:

Contrary to popular belief there are men who have a low sex drive. AND there are women who have a high sex drive.

Yes, it’s true!

And both parties suffer a lot of emotional pain if their sexual needs/desires are either not met or ignored!

Ladies can I be real? Men, for the most part love sex 🙋 And we, men with a high sex drive want it frequently. Frequently means regularly, often and habitually. Yep, that sums it up for men like myself.

But what about the low sex drive men? I’m not sure because I am not one nor do I personally know one. Well, ok I take that back I sort of know one. And it baffles me to no end. Just saying.

And to be quite honest it’s really not about the orgasm for a lot of men. We simply need to reconnect. And that is by God’s design. He designed our brains to release endorphins that bond us to our wives upon orgasm. (Which is one reason I people to have sex with the lights on or dimly lit and with your eyes open.)

I don’t want to get to carried away on this particular myth. But it a tough one.

Trying to tell a couple how frequent they should have sex is like telling them how frequent to go to grocery store 😂

I can’t. Yes, you can plan sex just like you plan to go to the store.

But one can also run out of something and need to go to the store. Just like one can run out of emotional good vibes due to stress and such…then the honey, I need you tonight comes into play.

That honey, I need you tonight comes from both husband and wife at different times for various reasons. Oblige them. Have fun and reconnect emotionally and physically.

I have heard from men, who turned to porn because their wife would not have sex for whatever reason at that moment. Not a valid reason to turn to porn, by the way! But they turn to porn because they feel rejected, unattractive, and unloved.

I have also heard from women who go bonkers from lack of sexual anything…no touch, no kiss, no sex…no anything…just what’s for dinner and that’s about the end of all conversation for the evening. I get it…your tired and hungry from work. Well so is your wife and she wants sex occasionally so she does not feel unattractive, unloved, rejected, used as a maid service, etc.

Frequency IS important! It does not have to be a two hour session every time. A quick 15 minute romp can do wonders for both of you emotionally and mentally.

For some frequent is once a month. For others is four times a week. But for the love of your spouse and marriage have sex regularly!!!!!!!

Unless you have a medical condition that prohibits sexual intercourse and you deny your spouse over and over and over again…you need to repent because you are sinning. (My personal opinion) Well…no it’s not my opinion it’s scriptural…do NOT defraud one another!

9 thoughts on “Sex: Myth #4 | Frequency Of Sex Isn’t Important.”

  1. Oh this is good Stuart!

    It is a misconception that ALL men want sex all the time. I hear the stories of men not wanting sex as much as the woman. I don’t understand low sex drive men either.🤔 They do exist though.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “But what about the low sex drive men? I’m not sure because I am not one nor do I personally know one.”
    Ditto. Nor have I personally found a man who says he knows of any. With the exception of the season of pregnancy. Which is why I am very skeptical of the claims that this is true for, say, 30% of marriages.
    It seems to be a popular topic for several Christian women bloggers, for example, the four at Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, this IS one of the four from Sex Chat for Christian Wives. In addition, I have a ministry specifically to higher drive wives. I’ve done a lot of studying up in the last year or so, trying to see where people get 30% you mentioned. After looking at the research, I’m confident saying it’s at least 15-20% of marriages. Why? Because of the four best studies I found on this, the women was the higher desire partner in 15%, 19%, 25%, and 30% of relationships (the average of these is 22%).

      The curious thing is that the more people say, “Oh my goodness, I don’t believe it—such scenarios cannot exist!” the less you’ll hear about them. Because higher-drive wives and lower-drive husbands are reluctant to admit their situation, but even more so to those who have a strong reaction (shock, disbelief, judgment) to them. They keep it on the down-low and only tell researchers, close friends, and someone like me…a higher drive wife.

      Mind you, my hubby enjoys sexual intimacy. He just doesn’t have the urge as often as I do. But we align with Stu’s advice here to engage in regular lovemaking in our marriage, and both of us are happy with the result.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. The only time my ex-wife and I went without sex was after the kids were born to give her a chance to heal properly. We had sex all through both pregnancies.

      It is a popular topic because there is legitimacy to it. And for the wives who have a higher drive than their husband I am sure they would be curious as to why.

      The better question would be what do others consider a low drive or a high drive to be…

      And then how does the couple discuss it openly and honestly to come up with a working solution.

      Like

  3. “I have heard from men, who turned to porn because their wife would not have sex for whatever reason at that moment. Not a valid reason to turn to porn, by the way! But they turn to porn because they feel rejected, unattractive, and unloved.”

    I don’t think most men turn to porn “because their wife would not have sex for whatever reason at that moment.” I think it’s the repeated rejection that is a common reason.

    “I have also heard from women who go bonkers from lack of sexual anything…no touch, no kiss, no sex…no anything….”

    These women commonly describe feeling “rejected, unattractive, and unloved”. Instead of turning to porn, they “go bonkers”. Is that any less of a sin? More importantly, I see great hypocrisy in women’s strong denouncement of men using porn, while excusing women going bonkers for the same general reason.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yeah, I should have worded that one a little better. Thanks for the correction because you are correct. It is an accumulation of being rejected.

    Maybe our definition of bonkers varies from each other.

    But let’s say your love language is physical touch. And your spouse does not give you a hug, a slight touch as she walks by or a kiss for years. Would you not be hurt and upset?

    There is nothing wrong with being hurt or upset over the neglect. It is what is done with those feelings that can be a sin.

    If a woman become an “emotional” wreck because her needs are not being met is drastically different than say a man who turns to porn to have his 5 minutes, give or take, of pleasure. Once you have turned to porn you have basically committed adultery (my personal opinion) Because one you have seen another woman naked…wrong thing to do. And secondly you had an orgasm without your spouse…you masturbated…selfish endeavour.

    These are my opinions. Please feel free to add yours.
    God bless,
    Stu

    Like

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