Stu’s World XXIV

I shared this with Laura in the comment section on my post picks because she asked me what was really wrong. So I shared it with her. Now…

Allow me to share why I have been in a dark place. I may get carried away this time and I apologize up front.

I slipped. No not physically just spiritually.

You see working at the lumber yard is not easy. I’m used to physical aspect of it now and can sling lumber with the best of them. It’s the being slow part I can’t stand. Because while I’m chilling on the forklift working on drafts, checking Facebook or playing a game the rest of the guys are watching porn or just looking at naked photos of women doing crazy stuff.

And for some reason they just HAVE to come show me. I guess they think ALL men like that crap. I don’t. Not anymore.

But the sad thing about addiction is this….at least for me anyway… it’s a fight. Everyday for the rest of my life I will be fighting against an evil unlike any other. Because sex or sexual imagery is freaking everywhere.

But because of what they have been showing me, my mind is drawn back to the past where I was deeply involved with sex and porn.

I slipped one night and watched for about two minutes and the guilt of that one action is tearing me up.

And I’ve been battling heavy to not just say screw it and watch it to get that quick fix. But I know if I do and I wouldn’t be able to stop.

To a lot of people that’s not a dark place but for me it’s a living nightmare.

Now it’s out in the light and not hidden. I’m sorry if I have let anyone down.


And one of the other things that has gotten me down is knowing I wouldn’t be able to celebrate Angie’s 50th birthday with her. I so wanted to take her out to dinner and give her the present I bought her earlier this year. I’ve been saving it to give it her for that day. Now, I guess I’ll just have to mail it her and not be able to see her reaction.

It’s nothing special to most people…just a shirt. But it’s a shirt that for Angie will mean the world. It has her son Matthew’s favorite phrase on it….God’s Got This.

I did however send her a voice message of me singing Happy birthday…(it won’t let me share the audio file with WP for some reason 🤪) But I quit very quickly as I can’t sing worth a crude anymore and just said happy birthday beautiful. I hope you have an amazing day!

I know a lot of you are tired of hearing about the car scenario but it’s a living part of my life…or rather non-life.

I feel like a prisoner at times. I’m not the go out type of guy. I prefer staying at home but dang. If I realize I’m out of something I can’t just jump in the car and go to the store. Heck I can’t even wash clothes because I can’t get to the laundromat.

Set back after set back makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to get another car

It’s really been a struggle trying to stay positive right now. Music is helping though. That’s my go-to method. I get lost in music.

This album is the one helping me at moment…

I hit my head Tuesday. Yeah, go ahead…laugh. All the guys at work did. Slim even gave me his hardhat to bring home 😂.

I was in the bathroom trimming my hair so I could shave. My phone rings. Only two people generally call me…Brandon and Angie. So I turned real quick forgetting I was bent down and slam…right into the door frame. Needless to say I didn’t answer the phone. I called Brandon back and apologized for not answering and why. He laughs of course.

The next day one of the bosses asks what happened because they could not help but see that huge band-aid across my head. I said I figured I donated enough blood though my arms and hands I would try another way. Then the owner walks in and just stares and I immediately say no, this happened at home.

Then the next morning it’s like 35 degrees outside. Have to change the gas tank on the lift. Never have had a problem with butane leaking before…well maybe just a smidge but I tighten ’em so fast it’s no big deal. But this one…oh nooo…this one just sprayed butane out. And for those who don’t know…that stuff will freeze you. I had to take my jacket off to finish tightening it so it would quit leaking. But it took about two hours for my right hand to thaw. That crap hurt!

Brandon finally decided to start working on that puzzle I mentioned we bought like months ago. We found most of the outer pieces and put them together. And then poof. It’s like someone turned off the light switch on him. He was passed out on the couch.

Brandon being bored…

I have been able to talk with Angie a few times this week. Things are going good with her new job. Still a little awkward her living back with her parents til she can get on her feet. I’m glad their relationship is healing but I’m still concerned. And she knows I am because those two are the true definition of can’t live with each other and can’t live without each other. And the anger always runs downhill. Always!

If y’all could truly understand what this woman means to me and what she has done FOR me…you would understand the depth of my love for her. I may never be able to express it in mere words in a story. I’m just not that good of a writer, but more of the story will unfold.

I’m still working on the mirror series. I’m just trying to figure out how far this will go and how the ending will come about.

I’m thinking of borrowing some of y’all’s photos and doing a tell the story piece because some of the photos I have seen immediately brought stories to mind. Not sure yet. I will have to get with John and ask. After all, it is his baby 😊

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers!! You have no idea what that means to me. I hope you all have a great week 😊🙏

35 thoughts on “Stu’s World XXIV”

  1. Admirable in admitting you slipped, ask Jesus Christ to cast out the demons which lured you and transmute them into nothingness. I sincerely hope all goes well with your relationship with Angie you both deserve another chance with love. Blessings to you all.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Stu, your accountability is admirable. Put the addiction under the blood of Jesus. We all sin but it is important to receive the forgiveness of Jesus and to forgive yourself. You are not in the place where you used to be. Holy Spirit convicts and draws you back to the Lord. Blessings of grace and mercy.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Yes, you are overcoming by the blood of the Lamb, the word of your testimony and triumph because you do not love and cling to your own life, even when faced with death. (Revelation 12:11) God is changing you from the inside out. Praying for you!

        Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time, Stu.
    Are you able to tell the guys to please leave you out? Do they know about your addiction?
    Is this not a perfect opportunity to tell your testimony/to witness?
    I am praying for you, on the car issue as well. God sees and cares about your issues.
    Above all you are His child. He cares! He loves you! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Don’t give up. Your willingness to fight is a testimony itself. It’s you and God in the end! He knows your heart, and knew the path of your struggle before you. He is there with you… fighting FOR you!. He loves you!

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Kathy. I just hope I haven’t let anyone down. To be so strongly opposed to something in your past and then slip back to it, no matter how small is not easy to share. But it had to come out. I have to be real or what’s the point of my blog…

      I appreciate the prayers very much.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sin is sin. Bottom line. My husband had to go to a local legion over the weekend to pay his respects for a funeral. I couldn’t go. I can’t go to places like that because of the bar, alcohol and everything of it. I am strong but not that strong. Put in the face of what we WERE addicted to….well for some it’s just more than a person can handle.
    You are not an addict anymore. Don’t forget that bro!
    But you may be a klutz…just sayin😏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Amy! I completely understand why you didn’t go! I would not have gone either. It’s hard enough for me to walk by the liquor section at Walmart on some days.

      Klutz?!? Yeah probably true 🤔🤣

      Like

      1. Welcome! It’s such a good feeling to know that when we are still thinking back on a mistake God is up there, already forgotten it and thinking and planning the next chance for a victory for us!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m pretty sure we all slip, in a number of different areas, more than we know. Very few people reject honesty, so you could share your problem, one on one, as an opportunity presents itself, to those who subject you to porn. I’ve always found that if you can use an illustration that they can understand it helps, like asking them, it they were on a diet, would it bother them if you were constantly showing them food that they couldn’t eat. Then tell them, with you it’s porn, in all of its many forms. Most will respect that, you might get an oddball that doesn’t but that’s part of reality. The fact that it bothers you as it does is a really good sign, if it didn’t you’d know you have a bigger problem. If we confess our sin God will forgive us and draw us closer to Himself, that’s what He does. Lifting you up in prayer Stu, prayer and God’s Word are your two biggest weapons, use them daily my friend. Blessings. – Bruce

    Liked by 1 person

  6. “To a lot of people that’s not a dark place but for me it’s a living nightmare.” Ohhhh yes, I can relate. I know what it’s like to be in the place of, “the guilt of that one action is tearing me up.” when I have slipped in certain areas. I feel ya my brother. ❤

    Stuart, I don't have any words of wisdom for either of us and I'm not as fluent in "Christianese" as I should be. So, this quote will just `have to do:

    "You can come out of the furnace of trouble two ways: if you let it consume you, you come out a cinder; but there is a kind of metal which refuses to be consumed, and comes out a star." ~ Jean Church

    You and I… we refuse to be consumed. {{Hugs}} ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Christianese?🤣🤣 Reminds me of the guys at work picking on me for eating Chinese while they are eating blackenese😂 Don’t worry, I’m not as fluent as I should be either!
      I love that quote♥️ Thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I started of being honest in my struggles with this blog. And if I can’t be real on my blog now what’s the point…

          Y’all are apart of my accountability group…though I’ve never officially said so.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Stu first of all, you ARE a great writer! You cut yourself way too short… I know I haven’t known you long here and don’t know you in a real life setting, but for a lot of us here on WP, we speak better on paper. And for that reason, I see your heart. It’s a heart of gold. One who makes mistakes but isn’t afraid to admit it when he slips up. You wish a lot of things could be different, and it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back. That tells me that at least you are still ‘moving forward’, even if only one step at a time. That speaks volumes! This problem is not WHO you are! YOU ARE A WARRIOR, Stu!!! That’s why the devil is trying so hard to defeat you, discourage you to give up. To knock you out of the race! he knows!!! ……..
    I feel led to share something VERY personal here that happened to me in prayer down on my knees in my bedroom one day many years ago. I was struggling with a sin that I could not seem to get victory over. I had slipped again. I was so disgusted with myself and asked the Lord to please help me, because I could not help myself. I was desperate!!! I wanted to change. Right there on my knees, I saw Jesus hanging on the cross with blood dripping down from every place on Him. I was so desperate for victory! I knew every time I slipped, I was crucifying Him afresh. I reached up and touched the blood on his feet and something happened to me! When God got done with my spirit after being completely laid out onto the floor, I felt something had changed. As days passed I pondered if this had really happened to me. I didn’t even know what it was! A visiting preacher came through and was ministering to different ones. He came to me and spoke to me. Told me that thing that had happened to me had really happened ‘in the Spirit’. He said my hands had touched the blood. And that my hands bring a cleansing. I don’t say this to say look at Renee! She’s something great!….I say this to say Look at Renee. She is so IMPERFECT!!! She is so weak. But God uses us ALL anyway! He uses the weak to confound the wise! Look at Peter! He failed God, too. God gave Him the keys to the kingdom and told him when he was converted, to strengthen the brethren! …Through the years, I realized it had been a vision I saw that day. Do you realize how powerful God’s kingdom is Stu?!! That He can move in the past, present and future all at the same time? He is not limited by time, neither is He limited by what He can do for you! I am living proof! I am praying hard with you Stu! You have been on my heart in prayer. You can do this Stu!!! 🙏🏼

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Ok, there needs to a ♥️ button for this comment! Thank you so much Renee for you vote of confidence and your encouragement!

      What a great true story of your life…wow! That’s some powerful stuff right there!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Anytime Stu! 🙂 I just know that if we are gonna make it, we have to help each other along the way…. we are all each other’s keeper. The struggles and trials are hard to take without friends to pray for and with us. I felt I needed to make a post about that to hopefully encourage someone else.. God is so amazing in everything He does. You would think that we would not be so enamored by now with all that He does, but He just keeps surprising me every step of the way! 🙌🏼 Thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. So true! We must stick together!Who would have thought six years ago that my favorite people would be from this blogging community? The encouragement…the prayers…the love…the sharing of life through words…yeah God is pretty amazing!

          Liked by 2 people

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