I shared this with Laura in the comment section on my post picks because she asked me what was really wrong. So I shared it with her. Now…
Allow me to share why I have been in a dark place. I may get carried away this time and I apologize up front.
I slipped. No not physically just spiritually.
You see working at the lumber yard is not easy. I’m used to physical aspect of it now and can sling lumber with the best of them. It’s the being slow part I can’t stand. Because while I’m chilling on the forklift working on drafts, checking Facebook or playing a game the rest of the guys are watching porn or just looking at naked photos of women doing crazy stuff.
And for some reason they just HAVE to come show me. I guess they think ALL men like that crap. I don’t. Not anymore.
But the sad thing about addiction is this….at least for me anyway… it’s a fight. Everyday for the rest of my life I will be fighting against an evil unlike any other. Because sex or sexual imagery is freaking everywhere.
But because of what they have been showing me, my mind is drawn back to the past where I was deeply involved with sex and porn.
I slipped one night and watched for about two minutes and the guilt of that one action is tearing me up.
And I’ve been battling heavy to not just say screw it and watch it to get that quick fix. But I know if I do and I wouldn’t be able to stop.
To a lot of people that’s not a dark place but for me it’s a living nightmare.
Now it’s out in the light and not hidden. I’m sorry if I have let anyone down.
And one of the other things that has gotten me down is knowing I wouldn’t be able to celebrate Angie’s 50th birthday with her. I so wanted to take her out to dinner and give her the present I bought her earlier this year. I’ve been saving it to give it her for that day. Now, I guess I’ll just have to mail it her and not be able to see her reaction.
It’s nothing special to most people…just a shirt. But it’s a shirt that for Angie will mean the world. It has her son Matthew’s favorite phrase on it….God’s Got This.
I did however send her a voice message of me singing Happy birthday…(it won’t let me share the audio file with WP for some reason 🤪) But I quit very quickly as I can’t sing worth a crude anymore and just said happy birthday beautiful. I hope you have an amazing day!
I know a lot of you are tired of hearing about the car scenario but it’s a living part of my life…or rather non-life.
I feel like a prisoner at times. I’m not the go out type of guy. I prefer staying at home but dang. If I realize I’m out of something I can’t just jump in the car and go to the store. Heck I can’t even wash clothes because I can’t get to the laundromat.
Set back after set back makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to get another car
It’s really been a struggle trying to stay positive right now. Music is helping though. That’s my go-to method. I get lost in music.
This album is the one helping me at moment…
I hit my head Tuesday. Yeah, go ahead…laugh. All the guys at work did. Slim even gave me his hardhat to bring home 😂.
I was in the bathroom trimming my hair so I could shave. My phone rings. Only two people generally call me…Brandon and Angie. So I turned real quick forgetting I was bent down and slam…right into the door frame. Needless to say I didn’t answer the phone. I called Brandon back and apologized for not answering and why. He laughs of course.
The next day one of the bosses asks what happened because they could not help but see that huge band-aid across my head. I said I figured I donated enough blood though my arms and hands I would try another way. Then the owner walks in and just stares and I immediately say no, this happened at home.
Then the next morning it’s like 35 degrees outside. Have to change the gas tank on the lift. Never have had a problem with butane leaking before…well maybe just a smidge but I tighten ’em so fast it’s no big deal. But this one…oh nooo…this one just sprayed butane out. And for those who don’t know…that stuff will freeze you. I had to take my jacket off to finish tightening it so it would quit leaking. But it took about two hours for my right hand to thaw. That crap hurt!
Brandon finally decided to start working on that puzzle I mentioned we bought like months ago. We found most of the outer pieces and put them together. And then poof. It’s like someone turned off the light switch on him. He was passed out on the couch.
Brandon being bored…
I have been able to talk with Angie a few times this week. Things are going good with her new job. Still a little awkward her living back with her parents til she can get on her feet. I’m glad their relationship is healing but I’m still concerned. And she knows I am because those two are the true definition of can’t live with each other and can’t live without each other. And the anger always runs downhill. Always!
If y’all could truly understand what this woman means to me and what she has done FOR me…you would understand the depth of my love for her. I may never be able to express it in mere words in a story. I’m just not that good of a writer, but more of the story will unfold.
I’m still working on the mirror series. I’m just trying to figure out how far this will go and how the ending will come about.
I’m thinking of borrowing some of y’all’s photos and doing a tell the story piece because some of the photos I have seen immediately brought stories to mind. Not sure yet. I will have to get with John and ask. After all, it is his baby 😊
Thank you all for your continued support and prayers!! You have no idea what that means to me. I hope you all have a great week 😊🙏