I thought about this all night really and still I am not sure about posting this, as many of you have read parts of my story here and there throughout my blog. But still there may be that one who reads this and realizes that they are not alone in their struggles and that there is hope.
This is my testimony I shared last night at Celebrate Recovery after completing the 12 Step program.
Hello, I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has struggled with depression, alcoholism, porn addiction, sexual orientation issues, self-worth, anger and a whole lot of other issues life throws at us. My name is Stuart and I am about to share just a little tidbit of my story with you.
I was born in the sixties to a newlywed couple that, to be honest, was not quite ready for marriage much less children…but then again who is? My dad was 19 and my mom was 18 when they married. Kids having kids basically. Back then the culture was different though. It was the norm.
One of the first jobs I remember my dad ever having was working for Budweiser, one of the biggest beer distributors. That is not how my taste for beer developed mind you but it did…sadly. But as I grew older the beer just was not numbing my hurts as a teenager enough so I graduated….to Jim Beam. Now that was a ride let me tell you. It was while on that ride that I almost died…just from drinking too much one night.
I ended up past out on the floor one night after partying with some friends. I woke the next morning with a knot on my head. The story that was shared with me the next day was that after passing out and lying on my back on the floor I started to vomit. Bad things can happen when you vomit while on your back…it has no where to go but back into your mouth. I started choking on my own vomit. Luckily one of those friends, though drunk off his tail too, had some sense left. He kicked me in the head with his steel toed boot causing my head to move which basically saved me.
I was molested in the men’s restroom at a shopping center while in elementary school. And again a few years later. Needless to say I had issues with going to a public restroom for some time after that. This along with several other things started a sexual issue in my life that lasted for decades.
At the age of twelve I accidentally ran across my Dad’s stash of Playboy magazines. He had asked me to go find a certain shirt for him. Unfortunately, he did not tell me exactly which side of the closet it was on. So I had to look around to find it. Well I found it and something I wish I had not.
That is what started a thirty year struggle with pornography. Man, how I wish I had never moved that one shirt in his closet. Because just like drugs….the need for more adrenaline, more stimulant just grew my desire to look at the magazines again and again. And just like the drinking….I graduated…to porn videos. Porn taught me the way a guy “should” act while having sex. It also gave me a very distorted view of how to treat women….in and out of the bedroom. And it also put a lot of pressure on me as I thought all guys looked like the ones in the videos. And well….as you can see I look nothing like a porn star with or without clothes.
Man you add porn addiction, to alcohol, sexual identity issues from being molested and you have one messed up kid…me. Being one that has a very addictive personality, having sex was not a good idea for me to do. But guess what? I did. Lots of it. With anyone, everywhere whenever possible. I tried it all. But I still did not have what I was looking for. That hole was still there. The alcohol never satisfied and neither did the sex.
One of my friends, my best friend, one I consider my brother stayed with me through all my issues. We met in the youth group at our church. Well some years after high school he went off to college. I would go see him whenever possibe. It was while visiting him one weekend that I met this beautiful young lady. And I do mean beautiful.
We kind of hit it off and starting to see each other a little whenever I would go to visit my friend. Great times but neither of us were ready for a serious relationship…..at least not me anyway. She ended up leaving college due to health issues and we lost contact for several years. Then my best friend gets married and guess who was there….yep…there she was. As beautiful as ever!
That was it. We started seeing each other despite the miles, as I lived in Greenville, Mississippi and she lived in Baton Rouge, La. We talked over the phone a lot and would see each other whenever possible. The relationship grew til one I day I could not see her with anyone else…ever. So I asked her to marry me and unbelievably she said yes. We were married right here at this church on June 26th 2005..her birthday.
Sadly I still carried a lot of baggage that was totally not fair for my wife to help shoulder. It caused a lot of issues within our marriage and understandably so. I will spare you the details but let’s just say I saw myself as a failure as a husband, man and lover.
That along with other issues in our marriage that we did not know how to work on caused us to separate. That was my rock bottom. To have my wife tell me that she no longer loved me and wanted me to leave was my breaking point.
That was when I truly came face to face with God. I started praying. I started going to church regularly. God truly started working in and on my heart. My life started to change. I started reading my Bible. I started reading Steven Farrar books off of my pastor’s suggestion. Reading those brought tears to my eyes as I realized how I had failed my wife as a husband. A role that I would cherish if given another chance with another woman. A role ordained by God for all husbands the moment we say those two awesome yet scary words of “I do”..
Shortly after that I was asked to attend the Johnny Hunt Men’s Conference in Alabama and God opened my eyes to where He wanted me to be and how I could help Him. The conference was about pornography in the lives of men in the church. Powerful conference where many men’s lives were changed, including mine.
It was three years ago that I was asked to come to Celebrate Recovery and help out. But after coming for only a short while I realized that I needed CR because I still had issues and hurts in my life to deal with like depression, anger issues, and self-worth. Once we started the twelve step program I realized just how much I really need to give to God. It is also here that I have found accountability partners that help keep me in check not only by praying for me but actually being present in my life. It has made all the difference in the world to my recovery from all my hurts, habits and hang-ups.
I have two children by my wife. One daughter, my princess/angel and a son, my little buddy.. They are my pride and joy. I try so hard now to lead them spiritually according to scripture. I do not want either of them to have to endure half of the things I had to. My son always says “Dad, I want to be just like you when I grow up.” I always smile when he says that but inside I cry because to be just like me he must go through what I went through. I want him to be better than I was. I want both of my children to love God and follow scripture.
I want my children to see Jesus in me and not with just lip service. I want them to see it in action. I want them both to know that I love them and that despite our separation that I treat their mom with respect. I want my daughter to know what a man of God looks like, by my actions, so she will be able to recognize it when she gets older. I want my son to see how I treat their mom and women in general so that when he is older he will treat them all with the same type of respect.
My chains have been loosened by the grace of God. It is now my job to see their chains are of freedom and not addiction. That is my goal. To see my children grow in Christ. And with the help of my Celebrate Recovery friends, loved ones and my brothers and sisters in Christ supporting me and praying for me……
Well, let’s just put it this way.. God’s in control!
Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.
God Bless
Originally written in November of 2014
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s a story that I believe will help many.
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Thank you for reading Kathleen. That is my prayer.
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My brother, thank you for sharing your testimony. GOD will perfect all that concerns you in CHRIST name. Shalom!
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Thanks for reading sis! Your words of encouragement always mean so much to me. Thank you.
I pray the Lord continues to bless you and your ministry.
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Powerful Testimony 👍…God’s love is true and only his warmth can satisfy our soul 🙂.
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So very true. Only He can satisfy us completely
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[…] My Testimony is one that I wrote for our Celebrate Recovery’s Honduras mission trip. I then shared it at Richland Celebrate Recovery on chip night after completing the 12 steps. It is kind of short and no where near the full story. […]
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[…] My Testimony is one that I wrote for our Celebrate Recovery’s Honduras mission trip. I then shared it at Richland Celebrate Recovery on chip night after completing the 12 steps. It is kind of short and no where near the full story. […]
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You have one of the most powerful testimonies I’ve ever heard brother! Jesus can heal and restore anyone! Praise God! God bless!
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Only by His grace brother!
Yes! What He has done for me He can do for anyone!
God bless you brother!
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God Bless you! You are a good and faithful servant! We all have our brokenness. May God bless your journey 🙏🏼❤️
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Thank you Sarah for your words of encouragement! Yes, we all have our brokenness.
My God bless yours as well! 🙏
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I am very honored to read this Stu. Your testimony of God’s grace is inspiring. As a fellow addict I know what you have had to do in the 12 step program and what it took to get through. You are a brave and strong man.
Thank you for this post.
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Thanks Homer. Yeah, the 12 step if you are truthful and honest about everything is a difficult endeavor. But is so worth it and not just for the addict but anyone who is hurting.
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Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and to share this story to inspire others. I really admire the courage and strength this post is written in. Thank you so much! God Bless 🙂
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Thank you for your kind words Sarah. God bless you as well sis! 😊
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Powerful Testimony! Thank you for sharing. I believe your story will help many people. Blessings to you🙏💯
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That is my hope Deb! Thank you 😊
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You’ve read my testimony! We’ve come a long way!
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Yes, brother we have!
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Very touching story. Thanks for sharing.
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There’s power in our testimony! I pray God continues to use it to change more lives! ✝️
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Look at that, Renee. You took those words out of my heart, I was telling myself what I’ll write in the comments and got to the point just to see exactly what I was saying. Hallelujah. Stu, I believe this is what God wants to remind you: there is power in our testimony!!!!
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I agree Tosin. Everyone wants to overcome their demons no matter how big or small. And our stories offer hope!
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Backed by the Spirit ofGod, they sure do!!! We must keep sharing as God leads us.
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Tosin I have done that so many times! And even posted without looking at the other comments and someone wrote almost the same words! Unity in the body! 🙂🤗
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😁😁😁 it’s amazing!
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Yes there is. It’s a story of hope that is relatable because we all struggle with something.
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Thank you for sharing Stuart and being real. Sooner or later we all come to the place where we realise that without Jesus we can do nothing and then He graciously reinforces that truth throughout the rest of our life. Grace, peace and blessings to you and yours.
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“He graciously reinforces that truth throughout the rest of our lives”…great truth Bruce!
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Thank you Stuart. I love that your kiddos see Jesus in you now. That Brandon loves and wants to be like the redeemed you that he sees – “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Blessings ♥♥
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Thank you Jacquie! My prayer is that I lead them properly!
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Good afternoon Stu,
We share a very common past… Alcohol, Pornography, Celebrate Recovery and the healing powers of Jesus Christ! God Bless you for sharing your testimony, it is courageous to put it out there, God is Good! I too feel the need to let the world know that they are not alone, that Jesus can heal our wounds…. It just takes a little Faith!
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Hey Martin. Thanks for stopping by brother! CR showed me a lot about myself…some good and some bad. But that’s what the 12 steps are for. To bring out the unforgiveness, the anger issues, the hidden shame for sins past that hold us back so we can deal with them in the now and move forward 😊
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I can’t believe I’m just now reading your whole testimony. Amazing testimony! ❤ God bless ya, Stu!
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I’m grateful I have a testimony Lydia. God has truly changed me from that past. I hope you enjoyed reading it.
The story continues as a part of me is in each post I write.
Go bless you too sis!
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I did enjoy it!
❤ ❤
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