You Want Me To Do What?

This is an older post from 2014. It will not be one for everyone…but since I am working on another post in the same vein as this one I figured I would reshare this.

This post is after a conversation I had with a friend of mine. Many of the things I say here are exactly what I shared with him and he knows this. To be completely me (my personal opinion)..all areas of sex within the marriage bed should be addressed, prayed over with love, trust, patience and understanding. Sex within marriage is a gift from God and should be enjoyed as you come together physically, mentally and spiritually.

This is new ground for me. I don’t even know where or how to begin to talk about oral sex. It is such a private and personal issue. Yet one that should be discussed as marriages suffer in the marriage bed for different reasons. One of the reasons IS oral sex…and for various reasons depending on gender. Husband wants it…wife is like…you want me to do what? Wife wants it…husband is like…uh…well….You Want Me To Do What

Please note that I am not a sex therapist by any stretch of the imagination but I will speak from personal knowledge and from the heart.

For the husband whose wife is hesitant to step outside her comfort zone, there is hope. But you must exhibit patience, love and understanding as it will not happen over night. There could be many issues surrounding her hesitancy.

I know that many women, even today, see sex as a necessary “evil” and therefore will see no reason to go the extra mile to give you oral pleasure. It could be the way they were raised or possibly just stories they heard that have turned them off. Maybe they had some bad experiences…if they had premarital sex and were physically hurt by their partner. Maybe your wife was molested as a child and has kept it hidden for fear of what you might say or feel. Maybe they have seen a porn movie and saw how those men treated the women in the scene and her immediate thoughts were…NOT ME…EVER.

For some it could actually be the fact that they feel you are too big for their mouth. Maybe they do not like the smell or the sweat that is associated with you working an 8 or 12 hour shift and not taking a shower before you ask for sex. For some women it could be the gag reflex that is hindering them. And for a lot of women it is the fact that they are afraid you will not tell them you are fixing to ejaculate. I am sure there are many more possible reasons. I am no female and the above mentioned are just my thoughts.

But my questions for you dear husband are:

Have you yourself prayed about this, asking God for guidance on how to approach the situation?

Have you talked to your wife about it? And by that I mean NOT “Why not since I do it for you?” Throwing a guilt trip will not work. But actually sitting down with her in a loving manner and explain why you want it.

Have you been gentle if she does try?

If you have not done any of these you may never receive oral pleasure from your wife. And that could lead to other issues going unresolved in your marriage..just saying.

So you want your wife to give you oral pleasure?

Here are my list of things that can help:

  • Pray about it..together as husband and wife. YES, God IS concerned about your marriage bed.

  • Take a shower prior to requesting sex in general. A clean body is always more fun to roll a tongue over regardless of gender.

  • Give her the chance to just sit back and look at “him”.. Let her see the movement of “the guys”. Heck, most women do not even know they move on their own to maintain a certain temperature.

  • If you are hard let the erection go down. Ask her to just touch it or just put her face close. Watching the reaction your penis has to her touch could give her the desire to do more for you.

  • Allow her to go her own pace. Never rush something as intimate as sex.

  • If she just wants to touch it at first..good brother, it’s a big step in her patient.

  • Encourage her to do things with her mouth such as kissing and licking to get started. These are just as enjoyable guys.

  • When she does put it in her mouth..don’t move. Let HER explore without fear.

  • And to me one of the most important aspects many seem to forget is to say thank you. And I do not mean verbally, though for some that might mean a lot. Yet for some it could come off as demeaning. I mean thank her physically! Do NOT just roll over and go to sleep. I mean hold her, reaffirm your love and use affection. It shows that you appreciate what she has done for you, especially after intercourse. Your wife has allowed you into her most treasured area. Appreciate that every time.

Some of these tips might help but, then again, maybe none of them will. It all depends on where your spouse is it at mentally, physically and spiritually. And also how you treat her overall…not just in the bedroom.

What if she just does not want to? I say continue to pray for her. Pray for yourself to be more understanding and patient as well.  But never seek oral pleasure outside your marriage.

God Bless,


7 thoughts on “You Want Me To Do What?”

  1. It would be interesting to try and dig up old out of print books on marriage that were used in seminary training back in the day. It would shed light on what exactly pastors were telling couples, and why
    I think the “why” is important… years ago I was reading a book written in the ’40s about marriage, and almost as an aside it mentioned that married couples should not seek to maximize sexual pleasure, no reasons given. Struck me as the strangest advice I’d ever heard.
    But thinking on it today, there might be good reason for that kind of advice. Like any other pleasure, there can be a sort of “diminishing return” on sexual experiences. You don’t want to put your spouse at the service of fantasies, or make pleasure more important than other aspects of sex: trust, intimacy, procreation, etc. But like I said, there were no reasons given.
    Anyways, it seems like there are big holes in the tradition of Christian teaching on marital sex that need filling in.


    1. Brother, why is a good question. As the Bible is full of imagery as to sexual relations in reference to marriage. Song of Solomon is a prime example. Oh wait….people skip over that book.But that goes with most scripture, unfortunately. People pick and choose which part to read and believe. I would say that most forget the fact that it says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 that husbands are to render unto the wife her due and likewise the wife is to do the same. That each other has not power of their own body….as they are one flesh. And that we are not to defraud one other except for prayer and fasting; and come together again so Satan does not tempt us.

      I believe that older generations were actually taught that sex was just for procreation and nothing more. Yet God made us so sensual and sexual in nature. But I am also certain that many a women who had an orgasm during sex said “Oh wow! Let’s do that again…now!”

      I also believe, and correct me please if you feel I am wrong, that many of the past generations believed it to be a private thing and never asked questions.

      I agree that a spouse should never have to try to live up to a fantasy…because no one can. I also agree that the pleasure of sex should not overwrite the intimacy, trust and procreation aspect. Yet, without the trust and intimacy sex in marriage is just that…sex.(my opinion) It all works together to enhance the sex within the marriage bed. And to me oral pleasure is part of that intimacy, trust and procreation.

      I say procreation in the last paragraph because I know that there are many women who can not become lubricated through just kissing and other acts of foreplay. Sometimes a little oral can go a long way in helping that issue…

      If you find any of the old books shoot me a link as I would love read what they had to say and learn. Always willing to learn.


      1. You’re welcome.
        I’m seeing this passion of yours unfold as time goes by.
        I understand, my hurt for marriages stem from lack of both intimacy and communication. Mismanagement of both even. I asked my mom the other day, “why is it that I’m being encouraged to marry by people who are either unhappy in their marriage or have no good example to show to emulate?” No answer. I do believe though this gift of marriage is beautiful if handled with care.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s a mismanagement of both for sure.

          Marriage can be a beautiful thing. But it is built on trust and communication. And many marriages are unhappy because they have fallen into the rut. They just don’t communicate as they once did.

          God says we are to know our spouses. That is a very intentional daily job.

          Liked by 1 person

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