If You Loved Me…

There is a post here on my blog that I am actually considering taking down as I believe some people are using it as means that was not intended when I shared it.

It was basically a rant on how bad the common core curriculum is/was/will be (in my personal opinion). It was not intended as a means to learn how to masturbate much less do it. If the afore mentioned post tempted you in doing so please forgive me for being a stumbling block or placing one in your life.

Comments on removing or not removing the post will be welcomed as I have not gotten a true confirmation from God as to what to do yet.

You see, as a blogger, I share things that are either important to me that I feel need to be voiced or things that have happened in my life that I failed at miserably or just made the wrong decision and figure that writing about it could possible steer someone from making the same mistakes.

My main mission though is to point you to a closer relationship with God which in return will make your life better and possibly your marriage.
And I am certain that I have said a few things that people do not agree with.

Considering the fact that I AM a follower of Christ, I am also certain many have judged me. And not solely based on my subject matter but some of the words I have chosen in which to express things.

Well…guess what…what I am about to write may just have the same effect…so get over it…just saying.

Here is what I need to say at moment.

Guys…quit being pricks! Or should I say stop using that part of your anatomy to justify certain actions you have been guilty of in your relationships whether you are married or not!

Listen, we all start our relationships the same. We see a beautiful woman and are like “OH my gosh, she’s beautiful.” But from there everyone of us are different. Some of us take our time getting to know her. Some are quick and are really just looking for one thing…sex. But regardless of how it starts or how it ends one thing should never happen…especially from a “Christian” man.

Those stupid heartless words of “IF you love me you will do this.”

NO! If you even remotely cared about her you would not even be thinking such garbage. Because if YOU loved her you wouldn’t ask that stupid question in the first place!

There I said it!

Now, allow me to explain something. Irregardless of the times, sex before marriage is still a sin in the eyes of God. And just because you are married to her does not give you the right to demand anything, nothing, zilch…got it?

If you are a husband, guess what? You did not force her to like you. You did not force her to trust you and you sure did not force her to love you. Those are earned and then freely given. So how, can you possibly see yourself being able to force, demand or even coerce her into doing something for you?
Just because you have seen a certain act done in a pornographic flick or read some where that other wives have done it does not mean that your wife will want to do it, even if you lovingly ask. And she really will never want to if you continue to badger her about it all the time. You know what that leads to? Either no sex for you or her just laying there feeling duty bound with no emotional or spiritual connection with you at all. Which is almost like no sex anyway.

You want your wife to give you oral pleasure? Guess what? She might not want to for several reasons. Have you ever stopped to think for a minute that there may be a legitimate reason as to why she does not want to? She may have been raped and was forced to do that very act with her rapist. Could be that she has gotten over the vaginal aspect of the rape but not the oral forcing. Maybe she does not like the texture of foreskin. Maybe she is afraid you will not be happy in the way she performs the act and therefore, would just rather not do it than risk the embarrassment or to avoid the words you may say that will hurt her. Could just be that she has a low gag reflex or simply that she just does not like the smell down there. I am sure there are several other reasons.

Have you ever truly stopped and asked her why she does not want to do said action with an open mind and heart? There is a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth.

(Ladies, if you want you may make a comment on this one. Help the men understand.)
Guys, we are called to love our wives as Christ loves the Church (the body of believers). Freely giving himself as a sacrifice for us. He put our needs above his own. Yes, Christ died for our sins, but God has never…not once…forced it upon anyone. That is not God and it should not be us, especially as the spiritual leader of the home.
Let’s take a look at 1 Peter 3:7. It states that we as husbands are to dwell with our wives according to knowledge giving honor unto her…that your prayers be not hindered. A command with a clause. I love this one actually. Did you know that the meaning of dwell means to live or stay as a permanent resident? Knowledge is the accumulation of truths or facts about our spouse over time. We should be continually getting to know our spouse…her likes and dislikes. That we are to give honor to her meaning we are to live with her in honesty, fairness and with our integrity. Not only in word but our deeds as well. And that by doing so our prayers will not be hindered by unforgiveness or discontentment. As we are also called to forgive and be content.
I am sure many of you want to pull out scripture and tell me that I wrong. So here is the one I believe most would use to debunk what I have said.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
Let the husband render unto the wife her due benevolence; and likewise also, the wife unto the husband.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband; and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Yes, her body is not her own but yours…as per scripture. But guess what? Your body is not yours but hers. And to be completely honest, benevolence has nothing to do with sex but kindness or goodwill. It means that both spouses are to treat the other with kindness, goodwill with the intent to benefit the other not profit off of. You can not take the fifth verse without taking verse three into account.
And yes, we are not to defraud each other of sex within marriage, as the entire chapter is about sex and marriage. But all sexual activity should be done with kindness and goodwill as to be in line with verse three.
So..if we are to take these verses as truth, which we should, then if we ask our wife to perform a sexual act or anything for that matter including putting the toilet paper on the roll a certain way and she says no, then we are not allowed to force or coerce her to do said act. Yes, you can hint as long as it does not become an issue or argumentative.
Can you pray about it? Heck yeah! God wants you to have a healthy sexual life with your wife. I say pray about your sex life everyday for crying out loud.

It is very important to the stability of your marriage. Ask God to reveal to your wife the joy it would bring to you for that one particular act to happen. Ask Him to give her the desire to share with you openly and honestly about why she does not want to do it. Maybe then, you can begin to work on it patiently…together.

It may take time guys. But remember how much patience you had getting to know her in the first place, You must have patience guys. A strong marriage is never forced and neither is a good sex life within marriage. It happens over time with a lot of work, sacrifices and compromising from both parties.
I will tell you that one of the reasons I loved receiving oral pleasure from my wife was the fact that she was giving of herself. Yes, I loved the physical sensations. It was awesome! But most importantly was the love I felt while she sacrificed herself to please me in that way.. And if she had not given me oral pleasure I would have loved her no less, nor would I have treated her differently.
Maybe after you pray and talk with God you can lovingly sit down with your wife, alone, with no distractions and talk. Let her know why you would like for her to do what you have requested. Let her talk. And if she does say ok I will try…let her attempt it at her own pace not yours. That is what a husband who loves his wife would do. That is what a man of God should do.
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14 thoughts on “If You Loved Me…”

  1. I’ve been with my husband for 20+ years and it took me some time to be comfortable giving him oral sex because I had been molested when I was young. The key is patience. Especially, on the part of the husband. Women have many reasons why they don’t/can’t perform oral sex. Many times those reasons go beyond their spouse. Again, the key is patience and understanding. Thanks so much for the informative information!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey I’m always late on posts but all I can do after reading this is clap my hands and say YAAAS! Keep doing you brother!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great topic and thoughts Stuart. This one is not easy to talk about, but oh so important. I agree with you, reasons for not wanting to do certain acts can go beyond the spouse.

    There are different reasons wives may not be comfortable performing certain acts. Wives needs to let their husband know exactly what those reasons are even if it makes them uncomfortable talking about it. Ladies, men are not mind readers! They do not know what is going on in our heads or how to help if we do not tell them.

    No one should ever be forced to do sexual acts. Husbands should try to find out why their wives are hesitant or refuse and see if there is anything they can do make the desired act… one the wife will actually want participate in. You never know if you don’t ask. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. It is a very important topic. One I wish more men and women would willing and openly discuss with the one they love.

      To me sex is so vital in a relationship. And yet so is communication. One suffers the other does as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. In regards to removing or not removing a previous post, I will respond from experience: A post of mine, though largely regarded as a decent testimony, brought quite a lot of criticism through private and personal channels. After several weeks of prayer, removing and reposting, I finally found myself in a place of conviction. Not of what was said, but the overall lack in balance of how my testimony presented itself, how it reflected what I considered my reality (at the time) and what I am now seeing as the reality of our world with biblical view points.

    My point is, you may go back and forth for quite some time on the topic, you may change your mind several times, but overall it’s the fact that you’ve been convicted that should stand as reason to test the post, does this conviction come from God? Are your actions in response to this conviction made with clear conscience? These two things helped me, in the end, remove a post that simply didn’t sit well with me regardless of good or bad feedback.

    God bless Stu, hoping you find peace on the matter.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. As well, I agree with your overall stance of understanding a spouses requests and needs in a marriage. We are life partners when we take these vows and should something be presented respectfully it should also be considered respectfully, with both parties in mind.

    That seems as though it should be common sense, quite frankly I’m amazed you had to defend yourself on the matter. But maybe I’ve missed an offense somewhere along the way, I tend to overlook such things and give the benefit of the doubt until otherwise mentioned.

    Overall, I think you do a great job of bringing sensitive subject to light with a Christian view as well as human understanding.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I greatly appreciate your comment.

      You’re right. It should be common sense but since people still argue over how the toothpaste should come out of the tube and toilet paper…well ya know.

      I just hate to see a marriage suffer with sexual intimacy or even communication.

      Liked by 1 person

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