The Locked Door

Where the heck did this door come from God?

Why did you even lock it if I didn’t know about it?

Well, you have been asking for answers…have you not. I specifically remember you asking me just the other night “Why, God? Why am I the way I am?”

And well, it’s time! It’s time for me to answer you.

But…this door…I’ve never seen it before. And that lock…who has the key?

I created that door and the room behind it. That lock…that Master’s lock is mine and only I have the key to it.

But why would you do that God?

I did it to protect you my child!

Protect me from what?

I promise I will tell but first I need to know you meant your question that you asked. Because the answer will hurt but things will make more sense once we open that door together.

Of course I meant it! Have I not been asking for like three months straight?

Come on God, how can I overcome all this sexual crap and porn issues if I don’t have all the answers? You know how I am…always trying to understand the reasons behind things.

Yes, I do know. That is one of the gifts I gave you. But as I said this will hurt.

It’s ok God. It can’t be worse than some of the other crap I have been through. So let’s do this!

Alright then!

I will unlock the door and I will also open the door. All I want you to is stand there in preparation

Um…ok?

Are you ready?

Yes God. I’m ready for answers!

Ok son, here we go!!!

Holy cow! What was that?

That son is your answer!

But…but…why have I not remembered this…ever?

Because when this happened I created this room to put that memory in and I locked it up tight! As I said only I had the key. I blocked it from your memory and the only way to access it was through me.

I need a minute God…

Ok, so what I have just seen is a blocked memory of me being molested as a child?

And now I remember it all. His name, which room in his house, what he looked like…everything!

Do you not think having this knowledge would have kept me from doing a lot of the sexual things I have done? I mean come on I was having sex with anyone regardless of gender.

Yes, you have been. But it is not because of this one action. It was an accumulation of things that led you down that road.

Finding your dad’s Playboy magazines.

Watching porn videos.

And then that one friend said hey can I do this to you. And because of what you had watched you allowed him to do that. You have struggled ever since.

So true. But now it makes a little more sense. I know we are not born gay. It’s not in our DNA. We make choices. And if it feels good we just keep doing it.

So if this wasn’t the beginning of me being bisexual all these years why hide the memory from me?

I hid this from you so you would not learn to hate or fear men.

Well that makes sense because I would have hated him and probably would have developed a fear of men after that.

God, can we go ahead and get rid of this? This…this…root.

Of course we can son!

Will you hold my hand for a minute while I talk to you?

I always do.

God, thank you for protecting my mind and heart all these years. Thank you answering my request for knowledge as to why. You were right though…it hurts. And I know you will one day bring someone to me who needs to hear these deep parts of my story so you can help heal them as you have me.

And I don’t hate him God. I forgive him for what he did!

I’m glad son! Now we can move forward in your recovery process with no closed doors lurking around. You have allowed me to clean house completely!