Sunday Music: Disciple | Things Left Unsaid

Wendi, here is the story I could not talk about on your post the other day while at work…

Though this song was written decades after my PawPaw passed away it still hits me because there have been others who have passed away that I did get to say goodbye to and some I did not…

My PawPaw had an aneurysm.

I was in my twenties. I have so many wonderful memories of my PawPaw. I mean come on…he taught me how to drive, hunt, fish, dig a ditch, mow, skin a squirrel in like a minute, cook the fish we caught and the meat we killed. I just miss him you know. He was the main male figure in my life growing up.

My PawPaw was 60 years older than I was.

He smoked a pipe, probably his whole life. Worked his butt off. He drove an 18 wheeler all week and then would come get me on Friday and we would go fishing all weekend for as long as I can remember.

I wanted to remember my PawPaw the way he was….strong and full of life. I didn’t want to see him weak and confined to a bed.

I stayed away…I was being selfish I guess.

But I finally did go see him one day after my granny called me. It was then I knew I had to.

I went..reluctantly, sad to say. I went into his room. There was always such a feeling of joy walking into that room growing up. Not that day though.

I sat on his bed beside him. Seeing him laying there, not saying anything hurt me to no end. But I grabbed his hand and said “I’m here PawPaw…I love you” through my tears. He opened his eyes and only said ” I love you too” in a whisper.

I stayed for a few hours just sitting there watching him sleep off and on and talking to Granny. Upon leaving, crying the whole time I was driving, I realized how selfish I was and cried more.

I didn’t get the chance to see him again…not at the house anyway…

My PawPaw died like ten minutes after I left…

He was waiting for me…you see…to say goodbye. He held on long enough so his selfish grandson would come see him.

I did not go to work that day. I hid…and cried.

Why? That was the question I kept asking myself over and over and over.

Why did I wait? He wouldn’t have suffered as long dang it!

Even now, if I dwell on it too much those questions…😭😭😭😭

The funeral was so hard. I did manage to make it to the coffin. All I could say was “I’m sorry PawPaw”

And with those words the waterfall broke. All strength left me. My dad had to literally catch me, hold me up and carry me out I was crying so bad.

My world collapsed! The main male figure in my life was gone.

I cried for Granny! I cried for the grandbabies he would never see! I cried…for me!

I don’t remember when I finally quit crying. But I do remember when I cried again for the first time after that…when my ex-wife said she didn’t love me anymore…some twenty years later. I’ve been a puss ever since. I’ll cry at the drop of a hat now and not because I have these tears in reserve. It’s because God got a hold of a very, very hardened heart and softened it.

I miss him so much some times.

Me and my PawPaw in his chair.

Please folks, take this to heart…

Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Heck tell them every minute in one form or fashion. We never ever know when God will require one of us to go home.

I love you PawPaw!