Sunday Music: Disciple | Things Left Unsaid

Wendi, here is the story I could not talk about on your post the other day while at work…

Though this song was written decades after my PawPaw passed away it still hits me because there have been others who have passed away that I did get to say goodbye to and some I did not…

My PawPaw had an aneurysm.

I was in my twenties. I have so many wonderful memories of my PawPaw. I mean come on…he taught me how to drive, hunt, fish, dig a ditch, mow, skin a squirrel in like a minute, cook the fish we caught and the meat we killed. I just miss him you know. He was the main male figure in my life growing up.

My PawPaw was 60 years older than I was.

He smoked a pipe, probably his whole life. Worked his butt off. He drove an 18 wheeler all week and then would come get me on Friday and we would go fishing all weekend for as long as I can remember.

I wanted to remember my PawPaw the way he was….strong and full of life. I didn’t want to see him weak and confined to a bed.

I stayed away…I was being selfish I guess.

But I finally did go see him one day after my granny called me. It was then I knew I had to.

I went..reluctantly, sad to say. I went into his room. There was always such a feeling of joy walking into that room growing up. Not that day though.

I sat on his bed beside him. Seeing him laying there, not saying anything hurt me to no end. But I grabbed his hand and said “I’m here PawPaw…I love you” through my tears. He opened his eyes and only said ” I love you too” in a whisper.

I stayed for a few hours just sitting there watching him sleep off and on and talking to Granny. Upon leaving, crying the whole time I was driving, I realized how selfish I was and cried more.

I didn’t get the chance to see him again…not at the house anyway…

My PawPaw died like ten minutes after I left…

He was waiting for me…you see…to say goodbye. He held on long enough so his selfish grandson would come see him.

I did not go to work that day. I hid…and cried.

Why? That was the question I kept asking myself over and over and over.

Why did I wait? He wouldn’t have suffered as long dang it!

Even now, if I dwell on it too much those questions…😭😭😭😭

The funeral was so hard. I did manage to make it to the coffin. All I could say was “I’m sorry PawPaw”

And with those words the waterfall broke. All strength left me. My dad had to literally catch me, hold me up and carry me out I was crying so bad.

My world collapsed! The main male figure in my life was gone.

I cried for Granny! I cried for the grandbabies he would never see! I cried…for me!

I don’t remember when I finally quit crying. But I do remember when I cried again for the first time after that…when my ex-wife said she didn’t love me anymore…some twenty years later. I’ve been a puss ever since. I’ll cry at the drop of a hat now and not because I have these tears in reserve. It’s because God got a hold of a very, very hardened heart and softened it.

I miss him so much some times.

Me and my PawPaw in his chair.

Please folks, take this to heart…

Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Heck tell them every minute in one form or fashion. We never ever know when God will require one of us to go home.

I love you PawPaw!

15 thoughts on “Sunday Music: Disciple | Things Left Unsaid”

  1. Oh, Stuart, grab my heart, why don’t you! I love the tenderness in your post, the loss, the grieving. I am amazed all over again at the grace and mercy of our loving Heavenly Father. He gave you that precious gift to say good bye to your PawPaw. I don’t think PawPaw minded waiting. He knew you would come, he wanted so much to give you that gift. I’m so glad you have all that in your tender heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kathy. As hard as this was to share, I am very thankful I had the chance to see PawPaw one last time and say goodbye for I know many do not get that chance.

      I’m even more grateful for the wonderful memories

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Stuart!! I love the pic. I think of my gpa in his chair. And I may have had some some cool pants like yours. Lol. Kidding!
    Did you ever think that you weren’t being selfish but just scared? I think so many times we expect ourselves to be experts in death, loss and grief. Show me someone who grieved properly and I’ll give you a hundred bucks. There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss and grief. You were being human and not wanting face loss and let go. Can I put this in my next post pics?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, what can I say…it was the 70s…lol

      I’ve never looked at it from that perspective before. Thank you. There may be some healing in that!!

      Of course you can. I would be honored!

      Like

  3. Amen… Very well said Stu. God in his tender love, grace and mercy towards us. It is Him who helps us see ourselves, and overcome. He then uses our experiences to share and touch heart of others, that eyes be enlightened.

    Blessings to you Stu as always for your transparency.

    Yonnie
    InHisCare

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful tribute to your Pawpaw. It is hard to deal with death especially when it is one you loved so much. Seeing them become sick and weak so hard to take. Good post to remind people to share their love with those they care about before it is too late. Bless you Stuart you are a dear Soul

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lordy Lordy these tears keep coming! I was about to say your Paw Paw was waiting to say goodbye to you, but then you said it in the next sentence! The same thing happened for my oldest daughter and my dad. When were told he was hanging by a thread, so I took off to LA to get her. He had slipped into something like a coma. Wasn’t responding to anyone or opening his eyes. When Angel walks into the room and says “Hey Grandpa, it’s me, Angel.” He immediately opened his eyes and talked a little with her. He never opened his eyes again or spoke another word. She went outside and broke down in tears. He was waiting on her. He and my stepmom kept her one summer while I went back to school…They got really close to her….I also did the same thing when my mom passed as you at the casket…That is a wonder pic of you and your Paw Paw! Such a blessing!

    Like

    1. That picture tears me up. That chair was his and was there as long as I can remember.

      The pain I felt after hearing he passed away was too much for me. It was like someone stabbed me with a knife right to the heart and twisted it.

      That is awesome that he came out of his coma for Angel. I know her pain too well 😖

      Like

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