Change Before The First Tear Falls

John from The Eclectic Contrarian and I were chatting in the comment section of my Couch Experience and his comments sparked a thought.

Here is his comment (used with permission, though it’s not like you can’t go and read the comment on the post..duh. But I do always ask first before sharing.

John ~ ….But I started drinking myself… I forgot what I did or even what I said, but I made my wife cry one night. It was my awakening moment. I was starting down my father’s path. I rerouted! Praise God!

Me ~ I’m sorry that you made your wife cry but I praise God, indeed, that you took that as a message for change brother!

John ~ I was sorry too! Lol… and it’s that sorrow that can change things. Alcohol was fun, but it’s not worth my marriage and quality of life.

John’s comments really got me thinking.

Whatever he did to hurt his wife caused her to cry. And upon seeing her tears and possibly the look on her face caused a change in his heart about his drinking. He stopped because his marriage was more important than the “fun” of drinking.

So…this was my thought. A thought that turned into a question…that turned to anger and then sadness.

Why, when our spouses cry, do we not act accordingly as to not hurt them in that manner anymore?

Why, men, why do we not stop looking at porn when we see the pain it causes our spouse?

When she finds out and breaks out in tears, why do we not stop?

Why, even after saying the apologies of I’m sorry it will never happen again, do we keep looking?

Why do we not seek help at that moment?

What’s more important our pride or the ones we love?

It is one thing to get in an argument over something stupid like the dishes, the toothpaste or toilet paper and she ends up crying because she is exhausted and you just hit the last nerve.

It is a totally different matter when your behavior is what is causing the love of your life to cry!!

You have to change…not her!

I do not care what she has or has not done for you in the bedroom you choose to look at porn! YOU!

More than likely your porn usage was there when you were dating but did NOTHING at all to try to stop and you probably never told her.

Now you have been found out. Your sin and your shame brought to light.

But now, even her tears will not change your behavior. That’s sad.

Here is why it is sad. If you do not change she will. Her trust in you will change. Her actions towards you will change. Her love for you will change. Her sexual desire for you will change.

Are those things worth losing over the unsatisfying and unfilling porn usage.

Whatever the core reason for you watching porn is…you need to find it, confront it, rebuke it, repent and change.

And do not just change for your spouse! Change for you! Change for those little ones who watch everything….


20 thoughts on “Change Before The First Tear Falls”

  1. Great message sir! It certainly takes a want to change things. And prayer! Both from yourself and others. I have buddy that recently divorced his wife… not because it was her, but his refusal to change. He saw it as “I am who I am and I’m not changing for nobody” she matured at a much faster rate than him… she became an adult with ambition and a very promising career.. he’s now working several jobs trying to make ends meet because he’s immature and living beyond his means..

    When we take a wife or a husband, we have to realize the commitment. Regardless how we feel. We have to comprise. Make the most of it because we’re legally and spiritually bound!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you John.

      Marriage is tough. We spend half our lives being all about ourselves. Then we meet someone, fall in love and have to come to the realization that it’s not about me anymore. It’s about us, as a couple. It takes a lot for a man to come to terms with leadership by servanthood.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Stuart, I’ve been reading over your posts very carefully for the last couple of months and there have been a couple of times when I came close to commenting on the liberties you sometimes take but each time that I went to comment, the Holy Spirit basically told me to back off, so I didn’t respond. I can’t help but know in my heart that you are a real brother in the Lord and I’ll tell you why. Pride isn’t one of your issues, you don’t come across as a know it all nor do you make definitive statements where you’ve decided that something is black or white and that’s the way it is. Porn is like a cancer, it destroys our relationship with the Lord and the devastation that it causes to marriages and to us individually is horrible. Years ago I had a problem with porn until I came to a point where I had to make a choice because you cannot watch porn and maintain a relationship with the Lord, at least that is my experience. I made that decision and through God’s grace I’ve maintained it. Our styles are a little different but then so are our life experiences. It’s your heart that grabs me and I just wanted to let you know that I’m grateful that our paths crossed and I think the work that you do is important. None of us are perfect but you are real and I can really see that. It’s a dangerous topic area that you work in, just be careful. But most importantly, thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve sometimes and being as brave and open as you are. God’s grace and blessings on you and yours.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Bruce, my brother, thank you for being honest in your comment. It brought me to tears that you said those things. Love you brother.
      It is a very dangerous topic. And you are so right in that I must be careful.
      I am thankful that my heart is seen through in my writing.
      I praise God that you have found freedom!
      I am blessed to call you friend.
      Thank you again for such a heart felt comment brother!
      I completely agree with the porn and the relationship with the Lord.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The reason why men continue to look at porn is out of selfishness. Their needs come before yours. When you ask them to stop they look at you bewildered. They give you the bull crap excuses that “It is all YOUR fault”. You don’t have sex with me…. I am not cheating on you…. I been looking at porn way before I met you…. Every guy does it…..
    Honestly, I have heard them all from my husband. If a husband picks porn over his wife.. Other things come before her as well.
    WONDERFUL POST!!!! This statement is so true “Here is why it is sad. If you do not change she will. Her trust in you will change. Her actions towards you will change. Her love for you will change. Her sexual desire for you will change.”
    WOW! Coming from a man, you couldn’t have said it better….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Ann!

      Selfishness, I get that one!

      The reason I can say those things is because every woman I have dated since stopping porn have had a bad experiences with their ex-husbands/lovers. Porn usage, physical adultery, emotional adultery, marital rape. You name it. It’s their stories that keep me focused on telling men they need to stop! I listened and learned.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh but the tears are apart of the healing!
    Her tears are unspoken words, … Words that he couldn’t hear before…
    No matter how many times she said anything.
    In these tears, she released her grip on the unbearable task of trying to change him.
    In these tears, his eyes cleared… And the taste of his disrespect and his dishonor fell upon his heart.
    In these tears, her body trembled and he saw her!
    Timing isn’t for us to negotiate with God.
    Preventing such an opportunity for the Devil to corrupt a marriage is absolutely necessary…
    But, I would say, raise your eyes and hands to the heavens… Cry together… And embrace every step of the process… There’s healing in the midst of the storm💚

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Porn: alcohol, work, self… There are a lot of words that can be exchanged, in your excellent post, for “porn.”
    God created us to prioritize Him first (Seek ye first the kingdom of God…), spouse second. Too many spouses are at the top of the totem pole, and they won’t give up their spot.
    Thank you for your Godly work. Carry on, Brother in Christ! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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