I have sinned! A lot!
Just like Paul, I consider myself the worst of sinners. That’s why I can’t look down my nose at anyone on this planet.
Looking back at some of the things I have done in my life I’m sickened…
I mean, damn….
What five year old boy, in kindergarten, asks girls to take off their panties during nap time?
What child, in elementary school, hides in the bushes at his grandparents house with a completely naked girl?
What type of young boy will ask his two best friends to take off their clothes, with his mom in the next room, just so he can look at them? (This was told to me by one of those young girls 30 years later)
What teenage boy cheats on his girlfriend by sneaking a girl into his room, after his parents go to bed, with intent to have sex only to be caught by his mom?
What young boy has a club that in order to become a member you have to take off your clothes and turn around in a circle three times? I don’t know what the three times was for…by the way.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this!!! I guess I just need to get it out, because two new memories popped into my head and I’m like what the?!?
All this happened before I turned 15 for crying out loud. There are many more scenarios like these in my life and it all began at a playground.
I am sure there are more stories that I have blocked out after being molested, like the two this morning that about broke me. They are memories that I would only share with two people on this planet…if I ever would.
You think that’s bad?
It only got worse, in my opinion. You add porn and alcohol to an already sexually curious young man and you end up with me…
A man, who just turned 50. A man, who only in the last ten years of his life realized how precious of a gift the female body is to the man who loves her. A man, who has come to realize that sex is so much more than just a physical act.
A man, who fights daily to keep his mind in check against things he has seen. Some days I win. Some days I lose.
A man who, even now, struggles with the encouraging words of others who say how amazing, kind hearted, wonderful, sexy or even handsome he is.
A man who sometimes is thankful for the things he has gone through and yet wishes to God they had never happened.
Maybe it’s a God thing. Maybe He is bringing these back to memory because I have never truly healed from those scars.
Maybe it’s just the devil trying to keep me bound to a life I’m trying so desperately to leave where it belongs…in the past.
I don’t know. All I do know is that I am NOT that person anymore!
That is why I said what I said at the beginning…I can not look down my nose at anyone. We are all sinners! We all have done things we regret doing or saying. But praise God Almighty we can be forgiven!
And now, as I struggle with these new memory flashbacks all I can say to God is this..