Lord, Take My Unclean Heart And Make It New

I have sinned! A lot!

Just like Paul, I consider myself the worst of sinners. That’s why I can’t look down my nose at anyone on this planet.

Looking back at some of the things I have done in my life I’m sickened…

I mean, damn….

What five year old boy, in kindergarten, asks girls to take off their panties during nap time?

What child, in elementary school, hides in the bushes at his grandparents house with a completely naked girl?

What type of young boy will ask his two best friends to take off their clothes, with his mom in the next room, just so he can look at them? (This was told to me by one of those young girls 30 years later)

What teenage boy cheats on his girlfriend by sneaking a girl into his room, after his parents go to bed, with intent to have sex only to be caught by his mom?

What young boy has a club that in order to become a member you have to take off your clothes and turn around in a circle three times? I don’t know what the three times was for…by the way.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this!!! I guess I just need to get it out, because two new memories popped into my head and I’m like what the?!?

All this happened before I turned 15 for crying out loud. There are many more scenarios like these in my life and it all began at a playground.

I am sure there are more stories that I have blocked out after being molested, like the two this morning that about broke me. They are memories that I would only share with two people on this planet…if I ever would.

You think that’s bad?

It only got worse, in my opinion. You add porn and alcohol to an already sexually curious young man and you end up with me…

A man, who just turned 50. A man, who only in the last ten years of his life realized how precious of a gift the female body is to the man who loves her. A man, who has come to realize that sex is so much more than just a physical act.

A man, who fights daily to keep his mind in check against things he has seen. Some days I win. Some days I lose.

A man who, even now, struggles with the encouraging words of others who say how amazing, kind hearted, wonderful, sexy or even handsome he is.

A man who sometimes is thankful for the things he has gone through and yet wishes to God they had never happened.

Maybe it’s a God thing. Maybe He is bringing these back to memory because I have never truly healed from those scars.

Maybe it’s just the devil trying to keep me bound to a life I’m trying so desperately to leave where it belongs…in the past.

I don’t know. All I do know is that I am NOT that person anymore!

That is why I said what I said at the beginning…I can not look down my nose at anyone. We are all sinners! We all have done things we regret doing or saying. But praise God Almighty we can be forgiven!

And now, as I struggle with these new memory flashbacks all I can say to God is this..

26 thoughts on “Lord, Take My Unclean Heart And Make It New”

  1. Flashbacks certainly do suck, especially when you know they’re real, yet can’t make sense of why your mind thought that kind of behavior was OK at the time. There’s that old wives tale that your body regenerates its cells every 7 to 10 years, or whatever the urban myth is. It’s not completely true. Some cells die in days. But, some cells live forever. Those are the cells in your brain (neurons in the cerebral cortex). So yes, this thing is in your head, but it wasn’t your current hands that did those things. It wasn’t your current mouth that said those things. Those cells are long gone. Only the memories remain, and you are strong enough to live with them and be a better person on the other end for it. This blog and your life is proof.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. “I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high, and, like Icarus, I collide with a world I’ve tried so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love. To give, and die.” – Jars of Clay “World’s Apart”

    I recommend the live version. It’s one of my favorite songs to remember and think on. It is sad, but its message is beautiful and full of hope. The perfect transition from a depressing mindset to a positive one.

    Rejoice, friend. Your troubles may not be over, but your love is that much greater for the difficulty of the journey.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, we can be forgiven. Extending forgiveness to ourselves daily is often the hard part. It’s not a one time thing when there’s shame wrapped up in it. It was enlightening and empowering for me when I began to understand that Jesus died on the cross not only for my sins, but also my shame.

    Be encouraged that God is continuing to stretch and grow you and bring you deeper healing. One day you will believe that you are an amazing, kindhearted, wonderful man. Maybe even sexy and handsome, but that’s not my place, so I’m not going there ….. that is for the rest of your redemption story, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a very open and raw post, Stu and I commend you for writing it. I like when you said at the end of the post, “We are all sinners! We all have done things we regret doing or saying. But praise God Almighty we can be forgiven!” because there are things that I’m still going through (like watching pornography) that although I’ve been forgiven, it still weighs heavy on my shoulders.
    I also wanted to take this time and thank you for following my blog, Stu. What was it about my blog that made you decide to follow?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It was threefold, as to why I followed your blog.1. God’s Warrior (as we are all in a spiritual battle) 2. Taking up my cross (something I need to get better at) and 3. Your post on faithfulness and obedience touched me. I need more like that 🙂
      Sometimes, it is hard to see God as being faithful all the time, while going through a storm. Sometimes it takes years after that storm to look back and go oh yeah…thank you for that Father. Thanks for being faithful even when I couldn’t see it.
      Porn/sex, to me is the hardest of all addictions/struggles to stop because it’s everywhere. But, freedom is possible if it is truly wanted. I will be praying for you brother.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I look back on some of the things my younger self did even at around 12 or so years old and I’m thinking, what in the world was I thinking! Even at times now I still have my lapses. And yeah, his grace really gives perspective on giving others grace..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t know if this will help but the Lord told/showed me all sin has it roots from believing lie. Things you believed growing up that doesn’t line up with the bible. You have to replace those lies with truth.

    I feel the same about my sins, like Paul but without even trying.

    Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That I believe, Denine. I grew up in the church and sadly sexual integrity was not addressed….and still not even now. So despite growing up in the church with my family there was no Bible studies in our house much less healthy sex talk about the birds and the bees (who came up with that phrase anyway) so what I learned, I learned outside the home…which is not safe for anyone. So yeah, I had a lot things put in my head that went contrary to God’s Word.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. You are cleansing, when memories come back to haunt or otherwise you are releasing them and letting go. The fact you acknowldge them and accept that it was you then these memories can go and be forgotten. Those who are moving closer to God have to go through this to be clean. You are doing an amazing work on yourself. Move on. Blessing and God’s Grace.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Raw cracks revealed again. There’s no shame when we know we would never have been better off had it not being for grace. I read your earlier post before I came to read this one, and if you think you’ll lose readers because of this, you have another thing coming: for many will see these scars and smile at the ones they have so secretly guarded and say: I’m not alone! (I’m one of such)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve thought a lot of about that statement you made the other day in reference to the cracks. It is so powerful!

      Thank you for your encouraging words and sticking with me while I show the world my scars.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Healing comes in stages, like peeling an onion layer by layer. We have all done things that we have regretted but praise God for His endless grace and mercy. Thanks for sharing your story. God will use you to bring healing and restoration to many more who have struggled with similar addictions. He is bringing you to that place.

    Liked by 1 person

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