From A Porn Scene Mentality To Intimacy With Your Wife


This is something that has been on my heart for a while now guys and honestly, I may lose some followers after this post or I may gain a few.

I have been a recovering porn addict for almost six years now and through my various ministries on social media have had many wives reach out to me with questions. Many of them have shared their pain, their hurt and their stories with me.

I knew what viewing porn did to me spiritually, physically and mentally but my wife at the time never opened up to me as to what it did to her. She never shared with me the hurt and pain till much later. And hearing these stories from wives tears me up I tell you.

For a while I thought I was the only one hearing these stories because when I started blogging not too many others were truly speaking out against pornography per se.

It’s cool that now more bloggers are speaking out against porn. Many of these bloggers are ones that I personally follow, so of course I will read their post. Sometimes I read the comments and sometimes I don’t depending on the topic. (Sorry guys, just being honest.)

The reason I do read the comments is to see what others think and at times I want to comment but don’t because, if you have followed me at all, I’m honest with my words but I don’t think them through sometimes. By that I mean, though being honest and up front with my comment I could hurt someone inadvertently. And I don’t want to do that.

And it’s because I can actually hear the pain in their comment and it just breaks my heart, whether it be male or female comments. So instead of commenting I pray for them.

When I do comment it’s usually to say what an awesome post it is and thank them for sharing their thoughts.

So with all that said, allow me to ask a few questions….

When does the porn scene start?

Does it begin when she gets naked? Or does it really begin when the actual act of penetration begins?

When does the porn scene end?

Come on guys, be real, and admit it ends when the guy or guys have an orgasm.

Let me interject that, for me, they started when she took her clothes off and yes it ended when the man/men had orgasm.

Here in lies the problem of ONE of my hurts when it comes to reading comments. Some, not all, men who struggle with porn have a very hard time realizing that their spouse is not getting the full enjoyment from sex. Some are in such a rush to get to intercourse and the end result that they are, without realizing it, taking advantage of their wife. That may seem harsh but allow me to explain.

Your wife, the one woman you chose above all others, is a sexual being just like you. She deserves to feel as much pleasure out of making love as you, if not more. The reason I say more is because there is this amazing thing about women…they can have multiple orgasms in a row if we take the time to get her to that point.

And you can not get her to that point if you are thinking that making love to her is like a porn scene. You will not know what gets her to that point either if you don’t get to know what triggers her to get excited. Seeing you naked will not get her there. And, for most women, feeling you inside her will not get her there either. Plus, she wants to feel like she is actually involved in the act and not just laying there for you to get off.

Guys, let’s forget EVERYTHING porn has taught us!!

Take the time to actually get to know every inch of your spouses body. Touch every part and kiss every part…all the while with your eyes open to see her reactions. If she twitches or moans remember that spot and come back to it. Take your time.

Give her a full body massage with some flavored lotion and then follow it up with kisses.

There is more to your wife’s vagina than just her clitoris too. I know that is her main sensation spot but there is so much more to explore…so explore. Give her attention down there. Use your hands, your fingers, your tongue, and your mouth during foreplay.

Make love to her! Kiss her! Hold her the whole time. Let her know how much you love her by pleasing her to the max. Does she not deserve it? After all, she is your treasure from the Lord.

Her pleasure is just as important as yours. She craves your touch and affection. Give it freely.

Be her husband and lover. Let your scene begin when you touch each other and end when you both collapse after the most intimate, sensual, loving, pleasurable experience for the both of you.

Guys, check out this great post by J over at Hot, Holy & Humorous entitled 5 Questions to Ask about Your Sexual Intimacy. Actually, there are valid points for both genders in reference to sexual intimacy within marriage.

 

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29 thoughts on “From A Porn Scene Mentality To Intimacy With Your Wife”

  1. Well done brother. I’m pretty sure that I thought like this as a younger man. It took too many years to change that way of thinking. So much I wish I could do over again – but differently. I am thankful for where we are today as we celebrate 30 years married very shortly.

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    1. Thanks Jason. Seeing how I’m fixing to hit 50, I know there are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently in my life. I’ve thought of the what if I had done this instead of that one thing a lot lately, but then I realize I would be someone totally different.

      And yet had anything changed I would not have Brandon nor Erin.

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    1. Thank you Cynthia. It will come. It took me a while, myself, to get to the point where I saw sex as God intended instead of what the devil wants us to believe it is…dirty and/or for selfish pleasure.

      I truly had to unlearn a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for providing hope. I do have hope, although it flickers. I trust my husband’s heart, and know he is working towards God designed intimacy. We both just have a lot to unlearn and relearn to achieve it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Stu… Thanks, for posting. Thanks, for being real and getting to the heart of the matter. One suggestion – as a guy who’s been clean for over 16 years, it’s still hard to look at suggestive images without being drawn in. Any chance you could change the image in this post in favor of guys with a little less resolve and time under their belt? I know a guy who’s sideways in his marriage right now, but 65 days clean who might be triggered if I sent him to read this valuable post. Thoughts?

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    1. I remember those days all too well. I do have another image that I was going to use for a different post that I can put up.

      There is a reason I chose that image instead of the hundreds I looked at. Maybe I should do a post on why I did chose this particular image to reflect the intimacy.

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  3. Stuart, the Lord Jesus led me to write a book about this, which is on the Walking Wounded site, which is from the perspective of the wife of a recovering lust addict. It is honest, not too detailed, but says enough to show how devastating lust addiction is to the spouse of the addict and to the marriage, as well as to the addict himself (or herself). Yet, the book offers hope, healing, forgiveness and restoration. So, I will include a link to the table of contents, if you will permit me, as there may be women and men reading what you have written here who could benefit from reading my story.

    https://walkingwounded.blog/i-married-my-dad/

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi Stuart, I appreciate your post and your venture into looking for intimacy rather than just having sex. I have a long history of thinking about me in this regard, and have recently gotten very serious in changing. My wife replied just above this reply, and she points to her book she wrote on her experience in living with a sex addict – me.
    A couple of weeks ago the Lord really got a hold of my heart and there have been some changes only he could have done. While I have been porn free for over a year, my concept of intimacy was so skewed through the years of porn that I was clueless, and whatever I did do was still about me getting what I wanted in the end, not meeting my wife’s needs.
    I’m learning that Intimacy is not only caring about your wife while you are being sexual, but it is caring for her long before, by how you treat her, by loving acts that show her she is special, and sometimes it is holding back on sex and just holding her and showing kindness and affection because that is what she needs sometimes.
    The goal, I think, should be great intimacy that brings you closer to each other the way God intended, which may or may not include sex.
    Your post did a good job at exploring ways to do that when being sexual. For the wife of a recovering porn or sex addict, that may be several years down the road before they can once again appreciate all that without feeling used.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow Rick! I truly wish more men would realize what God has revealed to you. You are so right in regards to intimacy. It starts outside the bedroom. Thank you for sharing that here. You might enjoy reading my post Guys, Don’t Stop Showing Affection as it does address non sexual things…to a degree.

      I am so thankful for you and you wife sharing both sides of the addict.

      God Bless

      Liked by 1 person

  5. God bless. This has been of great help. I myself have been struggling with this theme and am greatful that people are stepping up to porn. You gained a follower here my friend. God bless and keep up the good work.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Stu. Well said.
    Yes. Forget everything that porn has taught men. Treat your partner well. Look into her eyes. You will see her soul there. That is the beginning of a beautiful journey.♡♡♡

    Liked by 1 person

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