For so many years I held anger and resentment in my heart towards my dad. And it wasn’t even his fault. It was mine.
If you have spent anytime reading my blog you have ran across my testimony about my struggle with pornography. How I found it and how it affected me. I’ve never been upfront and honest where it actually took me…for that is even too dark for me to write about right now. Maybe one day…
But what I want to share with you right now is this…
Everything was my own personal choice.
I made the choice to go back and look at the Playboy magazine in the closet. And I chose to keep going back.
I made the choice to masturbate to it and others so many times.
And because I wanted to try what I saw in the videos, after I graduated from magazines, I chose to have sex way before I should have.
I chose to allow it to become my go to method for coping with loneliness, boredom, depression and anything else that was hurting me. I chose to watch and go to another place.
The sad thing is… pornography lead to more loneliness, more depression, guilt, shame and a deviant lifestyle. Just one of those can make you feel as if God doesn’t love you, but to combine them all together…yeah. My eyes became clouded to the truth.
My heart became nothing more than a hardened shell for years. Those years of not allowing anyone in and never sharing what I was truly dealing with…with anyone, including my wife at the time finally took its toll.
I broke down one night and asked God to forgive me. I was the true definition of the prodigal son. You know what my Father did? He ran to me with arms open wide saying I forgive you my child and I do love you.
From that moment on I fought hard to be free from porn and to become a new creation by renewing my mind. I have found freedom. BUT, I did slip a few times during that journey.
I made the wrong choices then…now I’m trying to make the right choices.
Now, when I am lonely I make the choice to reach out to a friend and talk.
When I am tempted I make the choice to pray and then reach out until the desire fades.
This holds true for all my struggles now. Instead of choosing to watch porn to self-medicate I choose to reach out.
I choose to read God’s Word.
I have made the choice to go to Celebrate Recovery again after not going for two years. I NEED it.
I chose to be an accountability partner for others who are struggling.
I choose now to be open and honest about my past, in hopes that it can possibly deter someone from making the same mistakes I made or worse.
If you are struggling with anything, please know that you are NOT alone. There IS hope!
It’s found in a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and in His forgiveness and love.