The Struggle Is Real: Erectile Dysfunction In Marriage

Folks, I need to be completely honest here. Sex is amazingly awesome!! The sad thing is that as we men get older IT is harder to maintain an erection and that can wreak havoc on the sex life and a man’s heart.

Some Potential Causes

Now, there are a gazillion reasons why this is happening in so many men. Some of those reasons can be medical issues like heart disease, physical disabilities like multiple sclerosis, which I have, or just a mind thing.                

It could also be habitual issues like smoking or consuming too much alcohol prior to sex. Did you know that smoking will actually clog your veins and keep the blood from flowing properly?

Smoking and Nicotine

The risk of smoking to your erectile health is specifically due to the effects of cigarette chemicals on the blood vessels in the penis. An erection results when the arteries in the penis expand and fill with blood after receiving signals from nerves in the penis. The nerves are responding to sexual arousal signals from the brain. Even if the nervous system is operating at full strength, an erection might not be physically possible if the blood vessels are unhealthy due to smoking. (1)

Many believe that too much caffeine can be a cause but after reading up on this I disagree and here is why:

Caffeine and Blood Flow

Because caffeine can act as a vasoconstrictor, a substance that narrows blood vessels, it has been postulated to worsen ED. But the effects of caffeine on blood flow may seem a bit contradictory. Initially, a mild constriction of blood flow can occur, but this effect is temporary and not common in habitual caffeine consumers. Caffeine primarily acts as a vasodilator, which means it improves blood flow — which can be beneficial to ED. Caffeine also stimulates the central nervous system, causing a sudden burst of energy and alertness. Interestingly, caffeine is the most widely consumed stimulant in the world. Caffeine is consumed in the diets of 89 percent of US adults on a daily basis, with 70 percent of this caffeine consumption coming from coffee, according to a study published in the May 2015 issue of “American Society for Nutrition.” (2)

Guys, have you ever ridden a bicycle only to have our groin hurt afterwards?

Bicycling finishes first. Injuries related to bicycle riding topped the list for ED visits, with 383,790 ED visits in 2013, or nearly 14% of all reported sports-related injuries. It was the top injury category for males 18-44 and 45-64, and the second most-frequent category for females of all ages. Bicycling was also the most-cited reason for inpatient stays overall. (3)

It could be stress from work.

It could be that he feels no desire or a want from the one he loves.

It could be the fact that he is afraid the kids will wake up and come to your room.

It could also be from over thinking on the problem instead of just enjoying each other.

It could be caused by all the crap (chemicals) they put in foods now a days. I know for certain that you can eat certain foods like watermelon, broccoli and herbs and it will help with this issue.

It could be the fact that a woman in his past compared him to another past lover saying how much bigger he was or how long he could last and then his current love brings up a past lover and how good they were. Maybe that love actually starts talking with an old boyfriend…for whatever reason. That, my friends, will play mind games on any man…trust me.

His mind can wreak havoc on his libido. If he has lost his erection several times in a row, he may begin to think that there is no use in trying because it will not work.

It could be that he has been viewing porn on the side and is masturbating to it. That will cause the mind to become use to seeing multiple women with the click of a button. Maybe, he just fast-forwards to the “shot”…instant gratification.

Sadly, porn truly does alter your man’s brain patterns. He will become accustom to not having to have any intimacy to reach orgasm. Porn is a quick fix. Having to work up his woman, for the porn addict, requires work which he is not used to doing anymore.

Trust me, porn will kill intimacy and your sex life.             

If he reaches orgasm before his love does, more than likely he will feel as if he has failed as a lover, despite the fact that he could do other things to help her reach orgasm after he has.

There have been many times that I felt like a failure as a man because I could not maintain mine sometimes. It hurts like hell trying to figure out what just happened when I was so aroused just a short while ago.

It cuts us men to the core. It’s not that we are being selfish when we wish it would stay up so that we could have sex longer. It is honestly the fact that the physical act of making love is our way of bonding with the one we love, at least for me, and we need it so desperately.

It is also in the fact that we want to please our love. Yes, we can please each other in different ways to reach orgasm. Men can even have an orgasm without having an erection but it is the physical penetration and the movement of both bodies in unison that we crave. And when things get heated up…you both want the physical penetration and then “he” slowly starts to lose his hardness before that can happen, that can kill the moment for both of you and that hurts.

I wish there was an easy answer as to how to fix the issue. I truly do. But there is not one.

I will say that if you smoke…quit.

If you are watching porn…quit. Once you stop your brain will actually start repairing itself from the negative pathways porn has put there in regards to how you view your love, sex and life in general.

It’s honestly hard to explain. I’ve tried to explain why it hurts me so bad, but I can’t truly explain it. Maybe it’s a pride issue that says men are supposed to stay hard. Maybe it’s all those years of watching porn and seeing those guys maintain theirs even after orgasm. Maybe it’s an accumulation of it all.

Hell, I don’t know for certain…

I know it hurts me deeply.

But, whatever the reason is please be patient and loving with your man letting him know that you love him and desire him despite his lack of hardness.

One thing I do know ladies, from talking with men who suffer from this issue, is that your man still finds you to be very attractive, beautiful and sexy. So please do not think that you are to blame for this.

Ladies, as a man who has suffered and still suffers from this on occasion here are a few things you can do to help your love. First and foremost is to continue to show love and affection towards him. Continue to play with his penis even if it is soft by licking or kissing it. He still will get pleasure from it AND it will let him know you still want him. Let him know that it is ok and that you still desire him.

Now would also be a good time to let him know what he can do with his tongue, palm and fingers to please you…if you have not done so already.

Men, if you are concerned over your lack of hardness please bring it to your loves attention. Pray about it together. Yes…God cares about it. He designed it to work and bring pleasure to the both of you. So you both need to be in prayer.

I wish there was a biblical solution that I could reference here…but I have yet to see any references for this in scripture.

One thing I do know is that you should seek professional help from a certified Urologist.

God Bless,



1 Can Smoking Cigarettes Cause Impotence? (n.d.). Retrieved July 26, 2016, from

2 Can Caffeine Cause Erectile Dysfunction? (2016). Retrieved July 26, 2016, from

3 Bike Riding Most Common Sports-Related Reason for ED Visits and Inpatient Admissions. (n.d.). Retrieved from

Here is a great article on Erectile Dysfunction by my friends over at I Am The Sex Talk Lady. Great site you should check out!

You may also want to check out Sheila‘s post on the issue as well.

Here is an article from Covenant Eyes on how porn can induce Erectile Dysfunction.

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