In my post The Potter’s Hand I said that I am still a work in progress. This is so true but for the past several weeks I have felt as if maybe…just…maybe He has left me on the wheel to just spin round and round. It seems as if literally I am going in circles.
I have this amazing, beautiful and loving woman in my life now and I keep screwing up. I am so not used to this type of love in my life. I have never had someone love me so much that their heart hurts when I am not with them. I keep making mistakes. I keep inadvertently hurting her.
It hurts me deeply that I have let her down. She sees things in me that I do not see myself.
This amazing woman is always on my mind. I pray for her so much during the day. It’s just that at moment with my phone being out of commission and I cannot afford a new one it has been her that has had to do all the reaching out. Yes, I can message her on Facebook by using an old phone and the Wi-Fi at work…but dang it…it should be me that is reaching out to her. By me reaching out to her it lets her know that I am thinking about her. A message of I love you beautiful can only go so far without actually hearing my voice.
Right now she is rather sick. I will not go into what is wrong but she needs me. And I cannot be there for her in person, as a trip to Shreveport costs me about fifty dollars roundtrip. That is a full week of gas to get to work and back to the house. Is she worth it? Hell, yeah she is. But with a truck note and only making several hundred dollars a week I can only make that trip once a week. I really would love to make that trip daily so I could check on her in person.
To be able to hold her daily and tell her that I love and adore her and that everything will be ok would make my world. I would move back if I had a job that I could transfer to but at moment there are no positions open in the Shreveport warehouse. And I know dang well that driving back and forth everyday would not work with rent, truck payment, food and utilities. That would be about two hundred in gas a week. I can’t do it…as much as I would love to.
It hurts! I hurt! She is hurting! I don’t like it when she is hurting at all!