I was talking to a dear brother in Christ tonight about some of the things going on in my life here of late.
Sadly, I admitted that the desire to look at porn has crept its ugly head once again.
This has been driving me crazy for about two weeks now. My triggers are like screaming at me at the top of their lungs…ughhh! The loneliness, depression and stress are all slowly eating away at my strength.
My mind is telling me that just one look won’t kill me. Go ahead and get it out of your system and you’ll be fine. But I KNOW for a fact that if I do….it would end up being worse than it was years ago. Because I know one look will lead to another and another.
Here is what my friend shared with me in response to my confession. He told me a little of his story and how a friend of his changed his entire view of pornography….you know those women are someone’s daughter, right? Well.. picture your daughter in those scenes for just a second and it will change everything. My friend said that he never looked at porn again and if he ever did he could not view it in a sexual manner at all.
When I wrote Dear Porn Star I did mention the fact that I never viewed them as someone’s daughter. I do now, because despite all the makeup and stuff porn stars ARE real people with real hurts and emotions. They are someone’s daughter!
I don’t know if I could mentally picture my daughter in a porn scene. I have a hard enough time thinking of her as a soon to be teenager.
But the main point he brought across was this one right here:
Can you envision Jesus Christ hanging on the cross dripping with blood from the beating He took in your place?
Of course I said yes. I have been able to do that all the time. I can’t even watch a movie of Christ’s crucifixion without my wrists twitching when the nail is pounded into his wrists. My back will arch if watching the cat of nine tails beating his back and side.
Upon ending our conversation I realized something though. We, as Christians, despite our knowledge of that scene in history, thanks to theatrical viewing do not truly take the cross as being real and dear to our hearts. Not really..
Here is why I say that before you start leaving hateful comments without reading the whole thing.
Yes, we hold it dear to our hearts that Christ died on the cross for our sins..for without that we would be lost in our sins and damned to all eternity separated from the very being who not only created us but loves us beyond anything we can imagine..GOD.
Yes, we know that Christ suffered greatly as far as the lashing, beating, spitting and the crown of thorns being placed on His head in mockery of His Kingdom.
But do we truly understand and appreciate the fact the He did die for that one look, that one night fling, that lustful desire, that word floating around in our heads that is just busting at the seams to come out our lips and every other bad thing you can imagine.
Why do you think He said
Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.
We do things on a daily basis that displeases our Creator. We just are not in tuned with the Holy Spirit to realize it. That is why I feel we should be asking God daily to break our hearts for what breaks His.
Yes, we probably can all picture Jesus in the room with us when we sin..we just do not want to. And some of us can envision Christ on the cross when we are tempted. For some the temptation is too strong to think of anything other than the moment at hand. Christ died for that too.
His death secured my forgiveness. My punishment, for my sins, was atoned on the cross that day through His death. And with the words IT IS FINISHED not just mine, but everyone’s sins were placed upon the lamb of God, Jesus Christ.
And because of that we ARE forgiven.
I know that IF I look at porn again I will be forgiven because I already have been. I would just have to confess and claim the forgiveness.
The thing is that I do not want to start the battle all over again. The withdrawals are a killer. The bad pathways in my brain have been healing..I do not want to mess that up.
It felt good to be able to be open and honest with my friend. It was even better that he felt our relationship was strong enough for him to speak frankly about it. God has truly blessed me with amazing friends that love Him and want me to succeed in my walk.