So many husbands are out there suffering in silence. They may speak of it to their closest and most trusted friend. But more than likely they keep it to themselves, because if they say anything they fear they will be looked at as less of a man. Yet, one thing I know from my own struggles in life is that you are never alone in any struggle.
The silent suffering is in the fact that they can not bring their wife to orgasm while having intercourse. I, for one, understand the suffering. I felt that if my wife achieved orgasm through intercourse that I was doing it right. So many nights of love-making and I would look down into the eyes of my wife and see disappointment. Sadly it was those nights that made me feel…well…like a failure as a husband and a lover.
Yet, that is the double-edged sword. I want to please my wife in bed so I truly want to try to yet, I did not want to because I did not want to let her down again. Ughhh!
Many a night I would lay in bed upset with myself thinking I was not good enough. It truly hurt me and it was something that I didn’t really share with anyone. Not even my wife…for a while. I know she knew I was hurting, for there were several times when I would look into her eyes, hang my head in shame and say I am sorry.
There were those few occasions where we reached orgasm together. And it was sexual bliss when it happened. That great build up of sexual tension released at the same time is amazing! Sadly it did not happen as much as we both wanted.
There are many factors that can lead to a non-intercourse orgasm. Trying to listen for the little pitter-patter of feet was one for us. And it definitely never gave us the chance to completely relax. Many nights it made our love making…well…hurried. Especially for me as I was always thinking how in the world would I be able to explain to my daughter why her dad was naked on top, under or behind mommy. Or even worse, if I had gotten to the point of no return and then had to pull out to hide our naked selves.
And then there are the outside stressors like work, bills coming up and thinking of things left undone…among other things. Trust me, those stressors can affect the libido of both partners. But my wife’s libido was fine. It was mine that had the issue.
Trust me, it was not from a lack of wanting to make love to my wife. It was a result of several things that had accumulated over time. Porn usage, caffeine, age and a lowered testosterone level had taken their toll. Yes, I could get an erection but maintaining it all the way through foreplay and into intercourse was not easy. I am most assuredly not alone in this struggle. Here is a post by Paul at XY code that might offer some insights into this folks.
Our foreplay was great. At least I thought so. Though I am sure that she always felt I left one breast out of the play time a lot. But that was just how I was laying during foreplay. It was never an intentional thing. The foreplay helped her get close to orgasm but unfortunately I am not one of those men that can last a long amount time…hence the look of disappointment on her face.
What could I have done differently to help my wife achieve orgasm while having intercourse?
I am sure there are many things that I could have done differently during foreplay. I could have curved my finger just a little while manually pleasing her…maybe that could have helped. Maybe I could have changed the way I used my tongue. It may have been that we needed to have some foreplay, a little sex, then some mid-play, more sex and then after-play. I’m not honestly 100% sure. Or maybe my wife could have been more vocal about what pleases her.
But what I do know, looking back, is that it truly was a lack of intimacy within our marriage that caused us to have issues during our lovemaking. Missing were those honey I am home kisses that let her know I had missed her while I was at work. Those sweet and loving hugs while she or I were just standing around doing nothing at all really. These were not in our marriage on a daily basis. Neither were the conversations that I feel were needed to continue bringing our marriage to a deeper level. Like the ones where I did nothing other than just sit there and listen to her speak.
Guys, while we listen to our spouses we have a tendency to want to fix what is wrong. But truly what our spouses want and need is for us to show them that we care about what they have to say. That we are concerned. That we will listen and not interrupt. If they ask a question…yes, answer it. Otherwise, just sit there and listen intently for as she is talking she is actually working it out in her head.
Let’s face if guys…we are visually stimulated much more than women. We can see our wives naked or just in her bra and panties and get an erection. We can get aroused though a loving kiss as well. But we, normally, do not get aroused via daily conversation. But with our wives there are many factors than can go into their overall arousal.
You do not have to do the “extravagant” things like bubble baths by candlelight with rose petals in the tub, though I am sure she would love those on occasion. Sometimes guys it truly can be the “little” things that can add so much to your marriage and the intimacy in which you share. The little things can be helping with dinner and the dishes, the kids, listening intently, making her coffee, the hugs, the kisses, the holding hands, saying I love you, letting her know she is beautiful and the fact that she sees you walk with integrity.
Our wives desire to be shown that they are cherished and they need to know that they can trust you to show them that cherished love in the afore-mentioned ways.
Above I said looking back, but I am actually looking forward as well. I am looking forward to the kisses and hugs and listening to my wife without interruption. My desire is to live with my wife in knowledge, showing her honor and letting her know she can trust me as I live out my call to be a man of integrity in the eyes of God, her and my children. My desire is to have true intimacy in our marriage that could lead to those illusive orgasms in the marriage bed.
Who knows maybe those orgasms can lead to better intimacy as well.