Learning To Dance In The Dark

Have you ever watched a couple dance? Where you amazed at how, when the music started, they grabbed each others hand, placed their other hand on each others hip and started fluidly moving in unison?

I have and it is a beautiful sight to behold. I was just standing there in awe I tell you. And after the dance I went to them and asked them “How do you dance like that?” Their answer was simple yet very profound. The husband just said “Years of practice and dedication”. I dared not ask how long, as they were an older couple. It could have been just a few years or decades.

And I did not ask whose wish it was to become dancers. You might be surprised at how many husbands secretly want to dance, yet do not say anything because they feel they have no rhythm.

Ha! That’s me! But anyway…..I always felt the only time I could dance was when I was drinking. When I was not drinking I could not dance for fear of what others thought but drinking got rid of that inhibition. But enough about my drinking and dancing…let’s get back to the reason for this post…

One can only imagine how many times they tripped over each others feet. How they would miss a twirl..or possibly let their hands slip from each others grasp as he spun her out in hopes of pulling her back into his chest again to continue their dance to just watch her spin away.

Can you imagine the weekly practices with an instructor or a video in the sanctity of their own home? How many times did he get upset with himself, because of his two left feet and could not lead correctly? How many times might she have moved his hand until she became comfortable having it on her waist, shoulder, or back? How many nights did the thought of just giving up and never dancing together cross their mind?

Had any of that happened I would not have had the privilege of watching their dance.

I know you are probably wondering what in the world is Stu talking about and what does this have to do with anything. Please just bear with me as I try to share my thoughts and how watching a couple dancing on a dance floor may be able to assist you in your marriage and possibly your marriage bed.

With the hope of marriage looming we become excited and sometimes scared at the same time. There are so many things to think about and consider. It can be quite nerve-racking at times to think about the future with another person. A person whom you love, yet do not really know. What will their true likes be? Will they understand when I share with them the things that have not been shared? Will they help me deal with my fears and inhibitions or will I continue to have to deal with them by myself? What will our wedding night be like? Will they enjoy and want what they see? How do we plan for our first house, car or child?

These are questions many newlyweds ask themselves I’m sure. And rightfully so.

But as the marriage continues and the relationship grows over the years we realize that there is a LOT of work that goes into making a marriage work. Little things like which way the toilet paper comes off the roll may be a big thing to some people. Who concedes to the other? Then there are the big things like which bill needs to be paid first.

As children come into the picture….everything changes! And I mean everything. Sleeping patterns change. Alone time changes to almost none. No privacy, even while taking a bath or shower with the door locked (while the spouse is home of course) because you get aggravated and get out of said bath or shower to see what they want since they will not tell you through the door. Dinner changes. Washing clothes literally becomes a four times a day routine. As a parent I am sure you can think of more.

Yet, with all these changes we still crave time together. We need time together to be energized and reconnected per se. But as we try to rekindle that flame…that passion, that was once, oh so powerful, we come to realize that life and all those changes have taken their toll on the marriage bed. And we wonder what happened. Why does my spouse not want to do that anymore? Why do they not respond to my advances anymore? What happened to the moans, to the sighing and the Oh YES!?

I say it’s time to practice with determination and yes…dedication. Guys, intimacy does not start in the bedroom. It starts outside the bedroom. It starts with helping do the dishes, the clothes and helping with the kids. Help with the dinner preparations. But that is just the kindling. It’s time for those random I love you notes, phone calls and/or text messages. What about that gentle yet subtle pat on the bottom when your spouse is bent over (when she is not grabbing things out of the oven). Don’t want to have her accidentally get hurt.

It starts with the first kiss in the morning and continues with the I’m home honey kiss. It starts with shutting off the television, laptop or phone when she walks in the room and wants to talk. It can also mean giving her some time alone…like setting her up with a bubble bath by candle light. You have to show her that you treasure her and her company even after all these years and changes.

Once you take it to the bedroom go slow (if time allows) for quality time. Quantity is ok but quality is better…in my opinion. Take the time to ask those hard questions your fear the answer to. This way those quickies can have some quality to them. Get all that excess crap out your head and concentrate on pleasing the ONE in front, beside, on top or underneath you. Try the suggestions of your spouse and practice them over and over. Watch her facial features for possible discomfort. Do not be afraid to ask if it is uncomfortable for her. Allow her to move you if need be to that right spot.

Remember just because it worked years ago does not mean it will have the same effect now. Just like what made you erect years ago by a special touch may not do it anymore.

Try new positions for crying out loud. Granted bodies do not bend as well as they get older but perhaps the old tried and true position causes some discomfort now. Change it up. Be creative. Try, if possible guys, to change the position without pulling out. Time your breathing to where it is in unison with your spouse, though this will tough during the Oh Yes moments and as you come closer to orgasm. And as crazy as it sounds…make one day a week…sex night. Just like the man and woman who took dancing lessons each and every week. Though at first it may seem a burden, over time you both will yearn for that time alone together each week.

Try making up your own game. Be creative in this endeavor. Make some cards with some sensual and sexual activities on them and place in a stack like a deck of cards and only draw from the top. Do what is on that card for the night. (I believe this might deserve a post for itself actually as it is something I always wanted to try yet never did!) 🙂 You never know what can rekindle or heighten lovemaking.

Being able to dance in the dark requires patience, love, trust and time. Not every time will be amazing with the fireworks. But it is time spent together reconnecting and learning each others bodies all over again. Orgasms might not happen together. Maybe they do not happen at all, as there are women who can not orgasm through vaginal intercourse. But I believe that if you wet her appetite throughout the day it might make her more receptive to foreplay, intercourse and after play.

Speaking of after play. Guys this is important! Do not just roll over and go to sleep. Cuddle with your wife after lovemaking. Continue to touch, caress and hold her. Allow her to fall asleep first. Then spend a few moments just watching her sleep. Bathe in her beauty. Take it in as you go to sleep. Maybe just maybe you can dance again at first light.