There are very few blogs, at moment, that just reach me in such a way as The Forgiven Wife does. I know, I am not female much less a wife. But I am a male and now an ex-husband. And through reading many of her posts I have learned a lot. And I mean A lot!
But what about the husband’s side of the gate keeping. Granted she has posted things about her husband and his feelings along the way because he is a major part of her journey. And as I shared with her I now have the desire to share my feelings of being married to a gate keeper…per se.
What started off as a great marriage with great sex turned into a life of living with a roommate and not a wife. And I do not even know how we got there. Maybe it was work, the kids, not knowing who she really was prior to our marriage, maybe me or all of it combined, but seeing it happen before my eyes hurt.
Like I said, sex was awesome in the beginning of our marriage. It was like we couldn’t get enough of each other. No, it wasn’t just like we couldn’t it WAS we couldn’t! Wonderful massages, awesome showers together and oral sex that was out of this world. I so loved going down on my wife and pleasing her that way. Such an awesome and wonderful thing for her to open herself up to me this way. Allowing me the honor of, not just touching and licking, but seeing her completely. But anyway back to where I was. Don’t want to think on that for too long or I will become depressed again. Making love was great. That feeling of togetherness in motion is unique and very special. We enjoyed trying new things and new positions that would feel good to her and me as well. We did it with the lights on, the lights off and by candlelight. And just so you know guys….pregnant women can still get very horny! That does NOT go away for nine months. I actually think it gets stronger..
Then along came our first child. My little blue eye angel. Wow!
Now sex did change with the coming of our first child. We could no longer do it whenever. It kind of had to be planned around nap time or bedtime after making sure she really was asleep. My wife and I both learned to not make any noises as to not wake the angel up. Well, except the bed. But as with the birth of any child everything changes. New priorities, new sleep patterns, new wake up times and a lot of other things as well.
I don’t honestly remember when “it” changed. Nah, I remember. It was while she was pregnant with our second child…my son
A lot about our sex life changed actually. It got to be almost non existent. Even the oral sex we both enjoyed so much…poof. There were so many nights of getting in bed to see the woman I loved turned over on her side with her sleep shirt on. This used to happen on those real cold nights, but hardly ever as she knew how much I loved seeing her without clothes. Those nights hurt, especially when I would put my hand on her left shoulder as I did every night only to have her move further to her side of the bed. Those were the night when I would just roll over and silently cry so she would not hear me. Or I would just get back out of bed and go to the living room. The night that hurt the worse was the night I will never ever be able to forget. For you see, she had once told me she would never deny me sex. I quietly slipped into to bed laid down beside her and actually asked “Can we make love?”. The answer to that question changed our marriage for good. It was “NO”. I could not cry quietly that night. I had to leave the room. I slept on the couch. Did she come and check on me? Nope. Did she care that she had hurt me to the core. Guess not.
The feelings that came that night. The feeling of betrayal. Yes, betrayal. I was lied too. That feeling of betrayal compacted with the other emotions of not being loved or appreciated took its toll on me. The feeling of not knowing is she had cheated on me or not. I thought that immediately to be honest. It was too abrupt of a change in my eyes. And coming home from work not knowing if I could even give her a hug and say I missed you today was a bummer. I wonder if she ever saw the pain inside me. The anguish of knowing that my wife no longer wanted me.
Talk about a depression that I hid very well. No one knew of it, not even my wife. Hiding it was easy, after all I was a porn addict and a victim of sexual abuse as a child. I was real good at hiding my emotions. But my being depressed just made matters worse.
Our marriage is over. We are now separated awaiting the final divorce papers…whenever that will be neither of us have a clue.
But before you start in on my wife or have a petty for poor ole Stuart let me say this. A lot of the issues she faced about our sex life was both our fault. It can not be pin pointed to a single person. I had my issues and she had hers. We never really worked on the issues. Didn’t know how. I do now, but it is too late for that. What I know now will help me in my next marriage..if there is one.
Sorry guys, this may seem more like a ramble of sorts. But it is a part of me. A part of my journey to recovery. I, like this blog, am a work in progress. Maybe one day my words will flow the way they should….