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Warning: Reader discretion is advised. I am not holding words or descriptions at bay here!

I have some apologies to make and I need to do it sooner than later. This is something God put on my heart tonight while I was driving home from work. A part of my personal healing. But He did tell me to write it down and share it. So here it goes. Let’s see where God takes my heart in this one.

If you are new to my little ole blog please start by reading my testimony. It explains a lot of my issues and it will help you understand why I need to do this.

Dear Porn Star,

Forgive MePlease Forgive Me

I have always viewed my addiction; though I didn’t call it that for years, to pornography as a means to an end. A way to get off basically. A way to fall asleep on those weird nights when my mind would not shut down. A way to relieve the tension of lust. But I never really understood what it was doing to me personally until a few short years ago. And it was not until last year that I truly realized what my addiction was doing to you.

I never thought for one minute that you did not like what you were doing. You seemed to like it while I was watching you have sex, whether it was with a girl, a guy or multiple men.

I never thought that you were hurting while making any of the films you were in. I always saw a smile and I always heard good moans.

I never thought of your concern for your child, who might be at home, while you were filming. I could not get past what was in front of me to think along those lines.

I never thought of you as a person who had feelings because I did not know anything about you other than your body and what films you made. ( I know that one is harsh, but if you ask any porn addict to think about it..they will probably say the same thing.)

I never saw you as some one else’s wife or husband or future one for that matter. Because a wife or a husband would not do porn or so I thought. I was wrong!

But most importantly is the fact I never saw you as a child of God. No child of God would blatantly do what you do. And yet, here I am a child of God asking for your forgiveness for a blatant sin of my own.

But…….Pain Inside

I have learned so much. God has shown me so much and one night He hit me on the head with the biggest thing He can hit anyone with. He hit me with the Holy Spirit! God basically said “Stuart, I will never be able to save my sons and daughters until you stop watching them do things that are not a part of my plan for their lives.” And I stayed there crying. I hit my knees quick! It was the only place to go. And no, I was not crying like a baby….it was a gut wrenching weeping for over an hour. It shook me to the core of my very being. And I pleaded with God for forgiveness for the things I have done to you as a result of my selfishness.

Please forgive me for not seeing you as a child of God. I now know that you are a child of God, whether you know it or not. We all are! And He loves each and every one of us regardless if we have called on Him or not. God wants to save you and He has a plan for your life. And it is not selling your body for selfish men and women like me.

Please forgive me for not realizing that you actually do not like doing those scenes. I now know that, for the most part, you are forced to do things that you did not “sign” up to do. But that in order to get paid you must do many unimaginable things. No person, male or female, would sign on the dotted line knowing they would end up being called a whore, slut, or bitch among other things. No one would agree to being penetrated by two and sometimes three penis at once. Nor would they want cum shot all over their face going in their hair, ears, nose and mouth from multiple men.

No one sees what goes on behind the scenes….

If any man or women really knew what goes on when the cameras are not rolling they would cringe. No one knows the pain you all endure. The punches from not getting the “shot”. And then having to do the whole thing over again. It is an all day session to get a two-hour video. No one should endure that amount of pain. No one should have vaginal and anal tears just so someone on the other end of the camera can get horny and masturbate. Many do not know that you became addicted to drugs just to numb yourself from the pain so you can get through the scenes. No one sees the tears, the blood and the bruises. No one knows you probably cry at home in bed at night because you do not know a way out of the hell you are in.

Not many think of the slow progression to hard-core. What you signed up for was a quick sex scene for rent money..maybe more. Then they offer more money for you to have sex with two men or women. That progresses to three men and possibly anal sex. Double penetration can lead to triple. One scene alone can prompt the owners to have you gaged and bound with no way to voice your discomfort as several men have their turn. No one sees the pain on your face as you are being pounded away at because the camera pans to the action. It does not matter..male or female…you have feelings, a heart, a soul, you love, you cry and suffer pain.

Please forgive me for being one of those who inflicted that pain on you! With every click of the mouse I helped pay for you drug addiction. I helped pay for the suffering you have endured for my selfishness.

I know I can never repay any of you for that. But I am willing to say I am sorry, ask for forgiveness and let you know that God DOES love you! He wants your freedom! He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on a cross just for you to have that freedom. I plead with you to reach out to my God, the one who saved me. The same one who convicted me of my sins! The same God who has healed me can heal you as well. I promise…if you take Him at His Word.

Dear porn star, I love you too! I am your brother and I am praying for you! I am praying for your salvation, your freedom and your heart.

Will I ever look at porn again? I would be lying if I told you I would not, for images are all around us on a daily basis from adds, books and displays. But I will never look at it the same, that is for sure. The changes are already taking place. As I look at the Victoria Secret women as I enter the mall every day to go to work I just smile and say pretty bra and keep going. I no longer have the thoughts of what is she like under said bra. God is renewing my mind on a daily basis. I am walking in the freedom and love that can ONLY come from God.

I would like to thank Shelley Lubben for allowing me the honor of reading her book Truth Behind The Fantasy Of Porn: The Greatest Illusion On Earth. Her story, testimony and our conversations helped God reveal a LOT! This book…oh my gosh…is a must read! Period!!! It is available on Amazon.com here. Please follow Shelley on Facebook, Twitter and yes even Pinterest.

God Bless everyone and please join me in praying for the porn star.

Let’s start praying!!

If you are willing to pray for these young men and women please like this blog and share it.

Stuart

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Check out Authentic Intimacy’s blog Human Trafficking? That Was Me.

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