There are a few questions that have been on my heart lately and I want to share them. As I have learned I am not alone in my struggle; therefore, I am not alone with my questions or thoughts. Maybe this will help another person and maybe not.
Question number one is:
Will God allow another woman to enter my life?
Question number two is:
Will I be able to trust her?
Question number three is:
Can I trust myself?
Man, I would love to answer Oh Yeah! to the first question but I honestly can’t. I do know that being single is not for me as I am too sexually oriented. The problem is, if you have read any of my blogs, that I have always had issues with my body type and penis size. Then add in the porn addiction and it’s effects on me. And an ex-wife that would always refer back to her old boyfriends that were like totally awesome in bed and could last, to her, for forever.
You take all that in to consideration and you might believe that I would never want to have sex with anyone ever again! Not true…because I love sex! All of it! The gentle kisses throughout the day, the massages, holding each other, foreplay, the actual act of sex and afterplay. Yes, it is all a part of it! Sex is NOT just foreplay and penetration.
I need a wife who knows my struggle and will be willing to help me relearn what the devil stole from me. One who will be patient with me as I relearn what it takes to be a good lover. One who will not compare me to men in her past. One who will say “It’s ok honey, I love you.” and just hold me when “HE” goes down and does not get up at all. You know those moments when I feel like a failure as a man, lover and husband. And one who will allow me the honor and privilege of pleasing her in other ways like orally whether he performs properly or not.
I so want to say that I would be able to trust her in that area but I can’t. At least not until I can trust her in more important areas of our life together. Here is why I say that….
If God is going to allow another woman into my life then I need to trust Him that she is already praying for me. Not for the sex but for me as a whole person. I need to trust God that she is praying for my spiritual side most importantly. That I draw closer to God so I can lead her according to His way and not what the world teaches. And by her praying for me now without even knowing me then I will be able to trust her to pray with me and for me about our marriage and our sex life. So; therefore, I will be able to trust her to not become dissapointed when things do not go “right” in bed but she knows that God is still working on me and that eventually our sex life will be amazing!
And the trusting me part is that I trust myself to trust God take care of it. He is by no means finished with me yet. As a matter of fact, He is just beginning.