Shortly after writing The Playground I had a burning desire to return to my childhood home and just look at that place one more time now that I know that is where it ALL started. I actually tried getting an aerial view of my trailer park and the playground. I managed to pull one up but could not, for the life of me, get a view of the playground at all. Maybe it has been destroyed or possibly just torn down but the lot is still visible. Kind of aggravated me to be honest. I honestly feel that I must return and face the devil in that playground for part of my healing. But, if I do this I know for a fact that I will need a friend beside me.
Here is the reason I will need a friend to go with me. If it is still there, they may need to restrain me from doing property damage or just hold me when the tears and anger come.
I recently had a dear friend of mine from that time in my life come into where I work. I had the privilege of meeting her husband and children. Hence the reason they were in my store, shopping for games. We chatted for a few and as I was finishing up the sale I asked her if she or her mom had an old picture of the playground or just the swing-set that I could borrow or have to put on my blog. I told her about my blog and that it was part of my testimony.
A few days later I get a message on Facebook from her saying that she had indeed asked her mom about a possible photo. Her mom did not have one. But here is also where the story got really bad for me. A blocked memory. Something I had done….to someone. I am sharing this, with her permission, as part of my healing process.
She said that she had read the blog and could not believe that ever happening at OUR playground. She did not hang out at the playground like I did. I would always rush home from the bus stop to make sure I could watch Tarzan as part of the after school special. Then I would go to the playground, climb the trees or swing on the swing-set doing the Tarzan yell. I was Tarzan! The playground was my jungle. Her parents hardly ever let her go to the playground. Which WAS a good thing by the way. Her parents sheltered her way more than mine did. (Mom, if you read this please know that I love you, that NONE of my issues are your fault and you ARE the best mom in the world. But I have to share this as part of my healing process.) We all understand that each parent raises their children the best way they know how. And in defense of the parents that lived in trailer park I am sure they thought it to be a safe place to play. I mean it was the 70’s. But let me continue….
While reading my testimony God revealed something to her that had happened at the trailer I lived in. She told me that her and a mutual (girl)friend of ours came to my house and we went into my bedroom to play. My parents were not inside at the moment and that I had asked them both to remove their clothes and take off their panties. Neither of them did. They ran home.
As I read that message I immediately started to cry. The fact that neither of them did what I asked was beside the point at the moment. How in the world could I have asked my best friends to do such a thing? And how many more incidents are there like this in my life that I have blocked out….how many? I mean crap, what in the world was wrong with me? We were only like seven or eight years old for crying out loud!
She also confided in me that she had never been with a boy like that ever again. That hurt me as well. Because of me she lived a life sheltered from boys. But it also made me think that maybe in some weird way that one incident had protected her from a lot of pain as a result of premarital activities. We all know the type of problems that can bring. Least for me it did.
But what happened to the other girl? Did she do the same and avoid boys or did she go the total opposite direction and become what the world would consider a “whore” or “slut”? I now have another journey to embark on….finding one of my best friends from elementary school. Or should I journey down that road? I feel as if I need to know what happened to her and how her life was affected by my actions. And I also need to ask her for forgiveness as I did with my friend who shared with me the story of her memories of that day.
I will say this: the Lord has revealed a lot to me in the last two years. From the playground to being molested. And I know that more will come to surface as He feels I am ready to handle it. That one hurt like hell!
And I have made up my mind that, despite my friend saying I should not return to the playground, I must. I am at war with the devil over my life and my issues. I must return and face the beginning of it all.