Another thing I feel that needs to dealt with is trust. But yet, there are so many different levels of trust. Maybe I should just concentrate on the one I know I have some control over….me
Allow me to explain that statement.
Growing up I should have been able to trust my dad to be there for me. A dad that would be there to offer sound advice, to listen to my problems, and to show me integrity. A dad that exhibited love towards my mom. Not just the I bring home the money love, but the I adore you love. Now, please do not get me wrong. My dad was there physically and I guarantee you, he would have been there for me in a lot more areas of my life had he known or been shown how.
Part of my healing process over the past two years has been to reconcile with my dad and forgive him And to ask him to forgive me. In that journey I asked my dad the big questions that started with WHY. At the end of our talk the answer that hurt me the most was this….”I was not shown how, son. I am sorry.” That brought tears to my eyes because that was my loving PawPaw he was saying never taught him. That meant that the man who helped raise me, my PawPaw, never was there for my dad. So in essence he was playing catch up with me. I personally feel a lot of grandparents do that…but that is a different story all together.
Allow me to repeat what my dad said to me….”I was not shown how, son. I am sorry.” Powerful and hit me like a ton of bricks. All that anger and bitterness I had stored up and held onto just evaporated as I realized my dad was not the one to blame. But what a ton of pressure was released off my heart that day. Part of my wall come tumbling down as I looked at my dad and said I love you dad and we hugged each other. We both had tears in our eyes that night. That night was the first time I had cried in front of my dad since the funeral of my PawPaw, where my dad had to hold me up because I was to weak from crying.
I have children of my own now. I made up my mind that day that I would not be the one my children would look at later in life and ask the same questions I had to ask my dad.
I want to be the dad my son and daughter can trust. Knowing that I will be there to listen to their problems..no matter how small or how big. I want them to trust me knowing I will give honest answers based on my personal experiences and scripture. I want to be the dad they can trust to pray for each of them daily, that they can come to me with their questions knowing I will either have the answer or find it. And if God allows another woman to come into the picture and be my bride that I will be an example of a Godly husband that shows affection to my bride, not just at home but in public as well. And a husband that leads his wife to a closer walk with God. That either of them can look at their dad while walking in the mall or anywhere they are with me and know that I did not take that double take at the woman that just walked by because my heart is set on my bride and her alone. Heck, even when they are not with me.
I want to be the dad that will lead my son into manhood and my daughter in womanhood based on Godly principles. And in order for me to do that I must trust myself to seek God and His ways through daily prayer and Bible reading. Please pray for me as I take this journey with my children. This is a life long journey and I will need all the support I can get.