After many years of “not” being good enough I have decided this year will be different.
For many years I have laid brick-after-brick to the ground floor of my protective wall, only to look up and realize that over time I have built a huge fortress. My fortress cannot be “huffed and puffed” on and come tumbling down, for the cement in my walls are not made from dirt and water, but from hurt, pain, and secrets. But like cement the walls can be chipped away a little at a time.
It is time for my fortress walls to come tumbling down. Or my life will continue down the same path it always has, a path filled with despair, stress, and disappointment.
There are many different types of bricks in this fortress I built to “protect” myself. The problem with the “protective” fortress is that not only did it keep me “safe” but it kept others from being able to know the true me. It also kept me from being able to love and be loved in return.
Over the last several years God has been working to chip away the layers that I really did not want chipped away. I wanted to deal with things myself, but that is how God works. He knows the root of all my secrets, pains, failures, and stresses. He knows what is best for me and how to start with what is most important.
So, he started with my sex life. It seemed like a strange place for God to start working in my life, but if you continue reading my testimony, you will see that was the perfect place. You see, sex defined me, or at least I always thought it did.
I had so many insecurities regarding sex because of what I learned while watching porn.
When someone is addicted to anything, his or her life revolves around that addiction. For me, porn was my addiction and my addiction taught me many things that were not true and fed my insecurities. I learned while watching porn that men were “perfect”. They had the perfect build, the above average penis (average is 5.5 inches erect, by the way) and could last for what seemed like forever. So for a guy who is average and can’t last forever my porn addiction fed my insecurities, but I managed to hide them very well. I did this by hiding my sexual desires, even to my former wife. I always wanted to have a loving sexual relationship, but since I felt so inadequate, I built my fortress of solitude instead. I felt like I could never be like the men in the movies, so why try? It was easier instead to be alone and build my fortress.
This was the reason that God started with my sex life. He worked on my desire to watch porn, removing this desire from my life. He gave me a desire to research this addiction and to help others get out of it as well.
As I studied, God taught me that I was actually ok. What a relief it was to learn that there was nothing wrong with the way I was made! In fact, most of my sexual issues revolved only around my addiction to porn. My brain, the one God gave me to use for His glory, had been rewired by what I had allowed into my life through my addiction. Many porn addicts will deny this, but it is the truth.
I started a Facebook called Resurrecting The Redeemed From Porn Addiction. I started talking about my addiction and what it had done to my life, posting many statistics I found about porn addiction, and sharing anything I felt would help myself and others on the road to recovery. Sharing my life in this way has helped me break down that fortress for good.
I am now very transparent in that area of my life. There are many who don’t understand how I can talk so openly about such a personal issue. But I feel it is my calling. God has called me to share this and to be as transparent in front of others as I am with Him. By doing so I have come to the knowledge that I am made in the image of God. He formed in my mother’s womb to be the person I am. I am Stuart, a child of God, who is now at peace with his body.
I am sure some of the insecurities will creep back when God places a woman in my life to be my bride….which brings me to the next segment of the walls…..TRUST.