Fixing to real honest here. I hope you don’t mind. I pray you don’t laugh. I hope you realize that one of your best friends my have the “secret” fear I had. And some of my best friends are on this page as a support to me and they don’t know this but it needs to be shared…..for that one married couple…for that one man…for that one woman.
I’ve always had a fear of not being good enough. I have always thought I would never be a good enough friend, a good enough son, a good enough student, a good enough employee, a good enough dad, a good enough husband, a good enough lover and just about everything else you can imagine..that’s me. Still feel that way at times to be honest.
As a child I never had to worry about being compared to my older siblings because I was the oldest. I was also the oldest of the cousins too.
But as I got into school I was my own worst enemy. Why could this person kick the ball better than I could? Why could they get A’s and I get B’s. Why could he run faster than me? Were my grades good enough to make my parents happy? So many factors in the mind growing up.
Then came junior high and hormone explosion. Then came high school and sex. Oh boy….the stories I heard of others having sex, what they did, how long it lasted and other things like how big their boyfriends were endowed. Then gym and showers. Looking at myself and wondering why are they bigger than me not only down there but in physic as well.
Then came the test..sex. Being that young and full of hormones you bet ya I could get it up and many times too. But, always in the back of my mind were the stories of friends saying how long their boyfriends lasted. Not me…failure..not good enough..or so I thought and feared.
Life goes on, and please remember this whole time after molestations and porn, I just don’t feel good enough for squat.
I get married always wondering if I will be good enough. Apparently not…divorce.
Issues in bed. When you already fear you are not good enough it sucks to be compared with past lovers and how “good” they were at everything. That totally deflates any loving moments you just experienced while making love to your spouse. And it sets you up for failure every freaking time you take your clothes off because your thinking is she thinking of me or them. And having low self esteem in bed with your spouse affects every area of your life…my personal opinion.
Issues at work. You know your a good employee but the way corporations are now you have to the best each and everyday or guess what? Your compared to the one who “has” it all together.
Issues with friends. I honestly do have the best friends in the world. But am I the best friend in the world? Am I good enough. On their behalf I know they would say yes, I am good enough. But in my mind, even still, I question myself like I am praying enough for this person and is our friendship good enough. It’s my fear..not theirs.
Issues being a child of God.. You struggle with this particular sin for decades and yet this person gets freedom from it like immediately. And you start questioning you faith, your prayer life and God.
See the thing is this. Being compared to others totally sucks especially for people who already think they are not good enough.
I know now that we are created differently…for a God given purpose and God IS working in my life to remove my fear of….not good enough.
Let’s start with the God thing first. You don’t have to be good enough for God because you never will. He is Holy we’re not. He accepts us with our failures. I have learned that some He heals instantly and some He allows you to endure, though for a season. Even if that season is 30 years. Like mine was with porn. But He does heal.
The sex thing..hopefully God will bless me with a woman who will have the patience and love for me to give me support. To compliment me on my body. To compliment me on the way I touch her and give advice as to what feels good to her. I want to explore and have fun. But I want to please as well and in order to do that I will need to be upfront with my fear so she can help me overcome it with her help, love and trust.
I guess what I am saying is this. Let’s not compare our spouses with other people we have been with. It’s unfair and unhealthy to the marriage in ALL areas. Fear of not being good enough combined with the words and emotions of the spouse saying you are not good enough kills.
If you share this fear let me say this:
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!
You want to be the best lover ask your spouse for help.
You want to be the best friend ask your best friend how can I be a better friend to you.
You want to be the best employee ask your boss for pointers and utilize them.
You want to be the best spouse ask your spouse what can I do to be a better wife/husband.
You want to be a better Christian ask God for help, get in the instruction manual and live it.
I honestly had a very hard time admitting this fear of mine. I started typing it and the flood gates opened as God through the Holy Spirit starting healing me tonight. I am good enough because He loves me. I thanked God for this little battle of mine tonight. But there IS someone out there right now who needs my little story of me. So whoever you are I understand..I have been there.