The Playground

There was once this young man that had seen things he should not have for his age.

Living in a trailer park growing up, this young man, child I should say, saw older kids at the playground taking off their clothes and doing things to each other. It made him feel uncomfortable so he would just leave the playground and go home. Never saying a word about what he saw till almost forty years later. But the sights he saw stayed with him and affected him greatly. And I do mean greatly.

The little boy started playing post office in kindergarten during nap time. Playing doctor in the bushes at his grandparents house with the neighbors. Most people would say that is innocent and that he was just trying to figure things out. Maybe….maybe it was something else all together.

Then this young boy moved from the trailer park to the “big city” leaving his “girlfriend” behind along with all his friends he had made during the first seven years of his life. Time for change..yeah right, it got worse..more people to play with and a bigger area to explore meant trouble. But he did make a lot of new friends and explored miles and miles of the new neighborhood over the course of the next 11 years.

No more kids taking off their clothes at the playground since there was no playground. But there were other dangers. And in familiar waters. Things happened to this little boy that he suppressed for decades..I’ll tell that part of the story a little later.

So we are in elementary school. Learning how to read better, write better, how to do mathematical equations and how to really kiss a girl. French kiss that is. Wow! What an amazing thing that was to learn. But around that time this now young man is becoming a teenager along with all the hormonal changes like hair where there wasn’t any before, voice changes, losing that kid belly and actually growing taller. Then you also had God’s idea of getting rid of mature semen..wet dreams. Weird, right? How the heck did this happen and what was all that stuff? So the boy did the right thing..he asked his mom. Mom explained it and life goes on with a new understanding of how the male body works.

Junior high here we come and a new experience with it. Masturbation. Young boy overheard some other boys talking about it and so he tries it in the bathtub one night. Felt like his body would explode but he kept going to figure out what the big deal was. Well, we all know what happened. His body did explode and that feeling..that first time explosion..can never be repeated as hard as he tried over the years. Then along comes the accidental Playboy find. Looking back the young man wishes he had not gone back for the second look at the naked women in the magazine, because he knows that is where it all truly started…his addiction.

But those looks at the naked women brought about a major hard on and so he masturbated. Then he would just think of the naked women, get up and get off.

This went on for about two years until he was visiting a friends house to play pool with no parents in the house. It was there he was introduced to pornographic videos of people actually having sex. Can you say immediate reaction? Standing tall and after an hour of watching had to relieve the pressure.

The sad thing is that back then, you could rent rated XXX movies at a younger age..if you knew someone. He did. So he would rent them and take them home and hide them in his closet and watch them when no one was home. The problem is that over time his body and mind got “used” to what he was watching, so it didn’t have the desired effect anymore. So he went with bi-sexual stuff. Made sense to him as he felt an attraction to certain boys anyway. Major new world opened up.

Then the young boy was invited to a friend’s house. He had an all male pornographic video. Though it was not the intention of the young man to do anything, his friend offered to do something. Then a new problem arose for the young man. That felt good and bad at the same time. Bad because something about it just didn’t feel right and good felt good. That lead to more visits to said friends house and further exploration into a different sexual addiction…physical sex with a person. No, no anal sex..yet. Just oral and physical contact.

The other problem and concern was for no one to find out. He hid it very well. Kept to himself for the most part and did date girls. Well as much as you could date back in the 80’s..parental supervision.

Here comes high school and his first job. Sack boy at a grocery store. Somehow this boy gets to know one of the cashiers. Very pretty as well. They start talking and hanging out after work.

Come to find out she lives within walking distance from his house. So he does just that one night. Sneaks out of his window after his parents go to sleep and off to her house he goes. Holy cow…nakedness. Those visions from the magazine comes back as he looks at her standing there with no clothes on. Sex ensues. And lots of it over the course of time. The problem was he was trying to do things he had seen done in the videos, not knowing those videos were all staged. Major emotional issues became a part of this young man’s life for decades. Because once doubt had entered his mind about his performance he had already lost. At age 17 he felt he was worthless, just because he could not maintain an erection long enough to get his girlfriend off…not knowing, at the time, that there was a lot more to sex than what he saw in the videos.

He tried everything he could possibly think of to keep his stamina.

He tried every position

He tried different techniques.

He tried it with men and women.

All to no avail.

Let’s move toward and really skip all the sexual escapades to 9 years ago. Still addicted to porn and sex the young man meets a beautiful woman and asks her to marry him. She says yes. Well, the gay side goes away while married. But because of what he had allowed to seep into his brain about being a failure in bed it really messed with the sex life. Thinking about failure before you even start to have sex is a killer. Your mind is already telling you can’t before you try. After 5 years of marriage and bills piling up and a sex life that though fun for both spouses it is not as it should be. Wife says I do not love you anymore to him. This kills the young man as they have two children together and he loves her still. But alas, he agrees to move out to give her the “time” she needs to think about things.

Well, this is when things really change for the young man or should I say older man. God steps back in. Now, here is the thing..this man had accepted Christ into his heart as a young boy in elementary school. Had even felt a calling on his life to become a pastor….

But the young man ran from God because he felt he was not good enough because of all the things he had seen and done. There was no way he could be a pastor much less a forgiven Christian. He couldn’t even forgive himself. But God works even when we do not think so.

This whole time of sexual addiction God had never once left his side. Now, He may have shaken His head and whispered that is not what I have planned for you..but He never left. Evidence of that could be found in the fact that he should have died three times from alcohol poisoning after his parents divorced. But anyway back to the real story.

This lonely and hurting man reaches out to God with tears and cries out…WHY?

Why have I done all these things?

Why can I not satisfy my wife?

Why this, why that and how am I ever going to be normal..whatever that is!

Answers slowly come to the man as he gets involved in a local church and starts digging into the Bible. After about six months of going to church he gets invited to a Men’s Conference. Strange thing is this conference is on pornography and how it is affecting the body of Christ. Wow. He wasn’t expecting that!
But like I said answers were coming to this man. And this is where it really started.

God puts a burden on this man to actually start helping other men with their sexual addiction. Trying to figure out why God would choose someone with an addiction to help other addicts he starts in prayer and reading the Bible to find some answers. Wow, there really is a lot of scripture on lust in the Bible. So he starts writing these down and tries to apply this to his life. But he continually is asking for answers to the many questions he has.
1. Why me, Lord?
2. Why the attraction to men and how did it start.
3. Why does my body not do what I want it is designed to do?

For him, God answered #1 first. It was a soft whisper one night that said..son, I am going to use your struggle with this to pull others out of it, for this is not my design for sex nor for your life or theirs.

God answered #3 next. By researching the addiction to pornography and what affects it has on the mind, body and spirit he learns that there IS nothing wrong with him physically speaking. He still has erections when excited. He realized that his sexual deficiencies where a mind thing. All that porn totally fried his brain. Completely rewired it as a matter of fact. All because of a choice he made at a early age.

Why God answered #2 last this man does not know other than the fact that maybe he was not strong enough to handle the truth. After many many nights and months of seeking the truth behind his addiction/attraction to men God lets him see what happened all those years familiar water. A friend of the family’s son sexually molested him. It vividly came to him.

So what do this man do? Calls the one person he trusts the most..his mom. After talking with his mom, the man decides to leave it where it the past. For neither him nor his mom could remember the name of the friend of family’s son. But he shares a lot more to his mom than that. He also shares what he saw living in that trailer park. Both instances hurts his mom very much for she knows where it took her son. He explains it all to his mom…every bit of it.

Now, he wonders if God will allow another woman into his life and if she be able to understand him sexually and have the loving patience to help him through his fears that he is still struggling with….for the mind is a very powerful thing. And not get aggravated or hurt while he is relearning the act of sex according to God’s real design.

Will this man fall again and give in to the temptation of lust? He, truthfully can not answer that with a yes, for he knows of the sinful nature of man. But he does serve an awesome God now. And he knows that God will use him now to the glory of God’s kingdom and not his own selfishness….one heart at a time!

He also wonders if he can truly be the spiritual leader to his children and raise them according to the Word of God. But he has learned many things over the last several years and the main thing is that God loves his children more than he ever could. And that no matter what God IS there.

And as this man looks in the mirror tonight he does not see his old self but a new man with a new heart and a transformed mind. This man’s name is Stuart and he is a child of Almighty God and forgiven by the precious blood of Jesus Christ.

He has lost his wife due to marital issues, but has seen his two children accept Jesus into their hearts. He has had his heart broken from the stories of young men and women who have the same struggle he had…sexual addiction via the playground of the enemy…pornography. And he is ready to take that playground back from the enemy. No more stealing the hearts and minds of little children. THIS IS WAR! I’M READY NOW!!

20 thoughts on “The Playground”

  1. Thank you for sharing this very intimate, very personal thing in your life. What courage!! God is gonna use the heck outta you! Jefferson Bethke mentions his issues with porn addiction frequently, here’s one of his videos:

    So blessed by your story. In His time, He will bring you a wonderful woman who will love and help heal your wounds.

    And stop trying to forgive yourself. God doesn’t ask us to forgive ourselves- it’s not possible, forgiving ourselves isn’t mentioned in the bible at all. Thank God if we accept His forgiveness all we have to do is trust in Him.

    Thanks again for sharing 🙂


        1. I watched that one. Loved it. Shared it on my Facebook page. Thanks again.

          On Wed, Feb 26, 2014 at 1:35 PM, Something to Stu (stew) Over wrote:

          > Scully Speaks commented: “Please do, you’ll really like him.” >


  2. I think it was very brave of you to share your story and be transparent. All things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to his purpose. Continue to be strong and do the work he called you to do. God Bless!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kita!

      “All things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to his purpose”….that is the second time today someone has told me that…confirmation!


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